happy birthday! happy 62nd birthday!! now, who wants cupcakes? how i wish i could say those very words to you, to your face, on this very day. december 16th.

it’s funny how time passes so quickly. the past four years have given me allowance to move on with life, but the time hasn’t stopped me from feeling twinges of heartache at the most inopportune times. for instance, the summer of 2007 keeps replaying in my head – like a broken movie reel that replicates a captivating scene over & over & over. it was the day you were given one final treatment option that you looked up at me with distressed, weary eyes and slowly shook your head…

i don’t think it’s going to work.
how do you know if you don’t try?
i just don’t think it will work.
but, mom, it’s avastin! the avastin that i’ve been screaming about for months. this is it!
i’ll do it.
this could be what saves your… wait, do you not want to try?
i’ll do it. for you.

and you did. and it was horrible and awful and painful and exhausting. in fact, the day of your treatment was the first time you looked at me like i was a stranger. it was the first time you asked me “who are you?” and it was just a day later that you told us all that you were done.

i hate, on your birthday, that the first memories i conjure are memories of hurt. and it makes me miss you so much more.

these past few months have been a whirlwind for me. everything is changing. everything is settled. everything is in its place. and i want to tell you. i want to call you and make you listen to my silly, silly stories of nothing and then repeat it all to you over coffee and scones b/c all the good i feel, all the happiness i hold, all of amazing that is happening… it makes me miss you so much more.

i met a boy – a nice, kind, careful, polite, gracious, courteous, respectful, chivalrous, considerate, responsible, supportive, open and awesome boy. as a matter of fact, this boy came with a glowing endorsement from people who care about me and silly monkey. in meeting this boy, i somehow, after spending years hating it, pushing it away, running away from it and building a wall that could keep the whole world out, i let it in. i really, truly let love in b/c it was easy and it was right. somewhere behind impractical hats and shimmering stars and mysterious wands, i fell in love with an amazing man and he fell in love with me. (maybe it’s the long hair!)

you once told me that true love never hurts. in some ways, you were oh so very right b/c everything i felt before – all the pain and hurt and disappointment – was nothing that could ever come close to how it feels to truly love. and be loved. i had never met a better man or felt a more giving, loving heart until B. he is, beyond all doubt, everything you always said you wanted for me. but with the newness that comes along with everything fresh, it brings about such an overpowering grief… b/c i know you would have loved him, too. (and my long hair!!)

so for all the love i experience today, the piece of my heart that misses you makes it seem just slightly less sweet, while modestly bitter. but as you taught me to be strong, fight through the pain and put a smile on my face, i’m doing just that. and hearing your words… it’s almost working.

what i suppose i am meaning to say is this…

dear mom –

you were right.

while i’ll miss you forever & ever & ever, my head doesn’t have to clash with my heart. i am finally granting myself the possibility of not just being happy, but having what i have deserved all along – true, unabashed, selfish, brazen, shameless, blatant, forthright, deliberate, purposeful, brash, intentional, premeditated, audacious, presumptuous, bold, unconcealed and palpable happiness.

happy birthday to the wisest, most loved woman in the world. from the foolish, yet most grateful daughter in the world.

i love you. i miss you. yesterday, today, tomorrow – for always.

xoxo,
danyelle

** post title = “goodbye apathy”, one republic

today i held your hand while you stepped onto new soil – kindergarten.  your first day, albeit half, of real school.  and you were the picture perfect, independent, big boy. 

so here are three things i would like to apologize for:

1.  i’m sorry for my sad faces.  i’m not sad b/c you are growing up, i’m sad b/c i can’t pack you up into a little ball and cram you back into my belly – where you would be safe from everything and nothing, all at the same time.  it wasn’t long ago that i held you in the crook of my arm and rocked you to sleep.  i am aware that you like me to do that still, only now i get a giant cramp in my neck and pain in my back.  so i’ll dial back the sad face and tune up a little more perk. 

2.  i’m sorry i sorta-kinda rushed you through breakfast.  i was slightly annoyed that you needed to eat while sitting on the counter, thus knocking over a glass of milk.  but moreso, i was annoyed at myself that on such a special day, i was rushing at all.  i was worried that we’d be late and make a bad impression.  thank you for snarking, “see, we’re not late.” as we stood outside, for over a half hour, waiting for the rest of your classmates to arrive via bus? 

3.  i’m sorry that i tried to fix your hair in front of your new friends, but in my defense, it was all crazy & stuff!!  next time, i promise i won’t use my smelly lotion or spit. 

and here are three things i want you to remember, forever:

1.  never tell your teacher she “looks old”.  whilst it may be honest, it may hurt her feelings.  and while we’re on this subject, never tell your mommy she looks old, either. 

2.  i know you don’t think you need me, but you do.  i mean, you’re all, like, five and a half & you still make me help you wipe your butt, sometimes.  so next time you tell me “uh, you can just stand behind me“, don’t expect me to then happily help you re-button your shirt & reposition your name sticker.  oh & by the way, quit touchin’ the sticker. 

3.  you are a smart, smart boy.  just b/c something may seem a bit difficult, does not mean it is impossible.  just relax, take a deep breath, focus and try again.  school is cool.  and if i can do it, you can do it!

and then, of course, there’s all this mushy stuff to say…

you should know that i cried for nearly 4o minutes after i watched you take your first steps into that school, without looking back to see if i was there.  and even through deep breaths and focus, my eyes welled with tears no less than ten times more.  i am petrified to send you out into this world.  i worry you will see ugly and learn to accept it.  i worry you will see beautiful and want to ignore it.  i worry you will see new and be terrified of it.  i want you to be safe forever, wherever you may be.  i want you to be happy and loving and kind, no matter what you see. 

and most of all, i want you to know that i realize you are no longer a baby, but no matter how much time passes, you will always be my baby.  my silly monkey. 

i love you with my whole heart.  more than anything else in this entire world.  and i could be no prouder to be your mama.

love,
mommy

p.s.  i bet grandma was super excited to look down from above and see you in kindergarten.  she was right about that star wars backpack!

i purchased an amazing pair of seychelles a few months ago.  they were on sale, orange, suede, platformed and i needed them.  all the reviews said to order 1/2 size up.  so i ordered 1/2 size up.

i ripped into the package when they arrived, strapped them on and almost cried.  they were TOO BIG!

i will never listen to those people again.

i fitfully threw them back into their awesome seychelles slider box and tossed them onto my bedroom chair.  days.  weeks.  months went by and i almost completely forgot about them. and when i noticed them still sitting there well after i should have returned them, i figured i better try to return them before they were officially worth nothing more than another tantrum.  of course, i tried them on again first.  still too big.  still so sad.

i ran them back into the store and was told i would only get “current sale price”, which totally bummed me out b/c i figured they would be wayWAY cheaper now, you know, since they don’t have them anymore.  my other option was to get the exact same pair that they sold out of months ago.  so yea.  i choose one of those non-options as my option.

my sad face apparently got them to agree to allow me to exchange them for another pair of seychelles, same value, that i also needed b/c holy caca… blue, silver, buckles, peep toe and… also.  on sale.

but the beauty of these on sale meant they ended up being under, WAY under, the value of the other amazing seychelles.  so i picked another pair to you know, make up for the difference.

but the beauty of these on sale meant they were deeply discounted on top of that sale.  as in sale due to last pair.  and especially tagged for gals with little feet.  such as me.  thank you.

i brought my choices to the register to see what extra i was going to have to pay, after my exchange, after my complaint of slight damage to the suede and after my coupon.

exchange credit = MUCHmuch higher than i actually paid b/c OMG!  sold out babies are currently on sale in some universe for MORE than previous sale. PLUS.  new blue baby seychelles.  on sale.  minus extra sale.  minus damage discount.  PLUS.  black patent SMs.  on sale.  minus extra sale.  MINUS.  coupon.  EQUALS.  $16.  in my pocket.

seeeeeeee!  procrastination does pay sometimes!

i thought this year’s anniversary would be different.  i admit, i didn’t cry yesterday.  or the day before.  though each and everyday for the past two weeks, i’ve felt a painful twinge right here, in my heart.  when i woke this morning without doubling over in sadness, i figured i could perhaps make it through the day without a complete and total tear fest.

my drive to the office was uneventful until  i spotted a large man on a motorcycle.  he was wearing one of those cue-ball looking helmets and had a “brutus buckeye” stuffed doll strapped to the backseat.  his license plate read “G KAT”.  and as he cut me off, as i felt my blood pressure rise, i began to chuckle.  he was wearing cowboy boots!!!  the chuckle turned to a giggle.  and in a moment, i heard myself, out loud, telling you how much you would have loved to see it.

and then the uproarious laughter quickly turned to tears.  and hyperventilating.  and an overwhelming sadness that i could no longer control.

because i miss you.

for four LONG years, all of these silly little things have been just that.  silly little things.  but these silly little things used to be the reasons i would call you ten times a day.  and now, i can’t show you or tell you or laugh with you.

and it makes me miss you so much more.

i’ve sat with my wonderful friends, listening to them tell me all about their mommy drama – arguments over attitudes, disagreements over nothingness, fights over fleeting annoyances – and i am beyond envious.  i would give anything to have you here to argue with, disagree with and fight with.

because i miss you.

i feel like i have grown up soSOso much these past four years… and without your guidance.  and i HATE IT!  i wasn’t prepared for it.  i’m still not ready for it.  and when monkey asks me if one day you’ll come back to life, i want to scream “yes” from the top of the highest mountain because i want so very badly for it to be a reality.

because i miss you.

and monkey misses you, too.  once, during a tantrum, he took a framed photo of you and pushed it off the shelf and onto the floor.  the photo popped out and when he realized what he had done, he picked it up and spent the next 20 minutes trying desperately to put you back right where you belong – straight and centered, in the small silver frame.  he still asks about you.  he notices that he has your nose.  he tells me that the two of us have the same hair.  he says he remembers that you loved him very much.  monkey also says he thinks you would really like him to be in kindergarten in the fall.  and for school, you would like me to buy him a star wars backpack.

i think he’s right.

i’ve spent the last year watching mich become a board certified massage therapist.  the stress, the elation, the success – oh how proud you would be.  and J… J, RN?!  you’d have more photos of graduations than you’d ever thought possible b/c he made us sit through two ceremonies!!  i wish you could have been here to deliver those balloons, those cookies, those cupcakes, those hugs… those congratulations to two of your babies.

because they miss you, too.

and somewhere, somehow amongst the obligations and priorities, i’ve finally decided to put first what i have always believed in.  myself. in the fall, monkey won’t be the only one carrying books, doing homework and studying.  because when it come to happiness & success, it’s my turn, now.

and when it’s time to accept those balloons, those cookies, those cupcakes and those hugs, the one baby that you believed in all these years will finally deserve all of the congratulations your words can never again say.  and i will cry.  and fall apart.  and wish you were here to tell me how proud you are.

because i will still miss you.

tonight, we celebrated you and your memory with a hibachi-style dinner at one of your most favorite restaurants.  the three of us bickered and joked, just like we always have.  but mostly, we wished you were eating lobster and fried rice, joining in on the noise.  even to a stranger, it’s painfully obvious that something is missing.  but we move on because we have to.  and we remember you because we have such amazing memories.  handfuls, pocketfuls, heart-fuls.

i love you.  today, tomorrow and every day that follows.  forever.

love, your bookworm baby,
danyelle

** post title – adele, don’t you remember

DAY ONE HUNDRED and TWENTY FOUR:  so i decided to type it into the “search” text line of my iphone…

and there you go.  but i already knew that.

yesterday was my sister’s bday.  since we weren’t having her party/dinner until tomorrow, we decided to postpone the sugar coma for a day.  i started baking when i got up this morning afternoon.  and finished around 7pm.

mich asked for chocolate cupcakes…

each cupcake was baked in a jewel tone cup and double wrapped, after cooling, in a contrasting jewel tone wrapper.  then topped with a spiced vanilla buttercream periwinkle/violet rose, with dark purple accents…

and what birthday cupcakes would be complete without a little accessorizing? *voila* a smattering of candy pearls and a light dusting of purple sanding sugar…

oh!  and see that little beauty in the background?  that was one of two special hydrangea covered cupcakes…

** i added a bit more vanilla to the chocolate batter than normal.  mich LOVES vanilla.

** i spiced the buttercream with a dash ginger, nutmeg and cinnamon.  it goes amazingly with the chocolate cake.

** my buttercream recipe is pretty much flawless (and i don’t just say so myself), as long as it’s not super hot.  the combination of single batch baking (12 at a time, rotating halfway through) and lack of air circulation in my kitchen left me with problems getting the roses and hydrangea petals to pipe properly.  i cooled the piping bag in the fridge for about 20 minutes and it was perfect.

** mich ate three cupcakes in less than 24 hours.

i love baking & these were a bit of a labor of love… but they turned out SO pretty that every moment was worth it!  and i’ve yet to eat one.  i’m still completely convinced that the more i bake, the less i eat.  it’s a winWIN for everyone!!

i didn’t bother to do the dishes b/c i had spent so much time prepping, baking & decorating, that i was late for my evening out.  that and i was sorta-kinda sick of being in the kitchen.

i mean, really, these can wait til tomorrow, right?

conversation #1:  unconventionally handsome stranger boy to girl…

that’s a BIG flower!
what flower?
THAT one.
oh.  yea.  ok.
is it real?
yes.
really?!!
no.
you’re funny.
i know.

conversation #2: co-worker boy to girl…

could that flower be any bigger?
yes.  funny you say that b/c my sister blahBLAHbleh blahBLAHBLAHbleh bleh (repita por favor el story from here).  and i totally started this trend here, like 3 years ago!!
but you know what the difference is?
huh?  what?
you are a pretty girl and sarah jessica parker is a **not very nice explicative** (i think he also said something about horses, but i got what i needed out of the conversation and kinda sorta tuned out after i heard “you are a pretty girl”.)

conversation #3:  sister girl to girl…

hi.
omg!  i need to get my camera.
bite me!

does it really stand out THAT much?!

i mean, i’m not wearing a crazy fascinator topped with a spirally gumball machine (though i would.  especially if it dispensed real gum.  i LOVE gum.).  and while i get that it’s a little more over the top than, say, a hair hued barrette, these floral hair accessories are like my jewelry, considering i only make the stuff and never wear it.  (and i made these too.  i have a collection of about ten or so flower headbands & seven, maybe eight, were handmade.  by me.)

anyway… this yellow sunflower is set on a brown satin headband.  monkey picked the flower.  pun intended.  it’s bright and fun and festive.  my other favorite is a giant white dahlia set on a black satin headband.  monkey picked that flower, as well.  pun also intended.

love ‘em or hate ‘em, you have to admit – they command attention.

and sometimes, a gal likes a little attention.

** post title = john keats, dedication to leigh hunt

even the dog is sad.

we really miss monkey.  like, totally a lot.

my sister walked into my office today and told me i looked like i was going to a wedding.  apparently my up-do and hair flowers were a little formal for the office.  perhaps they were also too formal for my morning meeting, as well.

quite frankly, i don’t give a crap if i’m too formal for anything.  i’ll wear heels to the grocery store, thigh high boots to the park.  an updo and flowers to work.  i am just one of those gals that gets up everyday and makes hair & makeup part of the daily regimen.  i spent manyMANY years being the butt of someone’s joke, always put down and made to feel less than stellar, so after i realized that i was farFARfar too stellar to allow that, i started to put a whole lot more stock into me.  for me.

and it shows.

this was today’s hair…

as i was on the phone with a client, i heard mich sneak up behind me and snap a photo.

wtf are you doing?
i’m taking a pic of your hair.
why?
to send to my friend.
b/c it’s THAT amazing?
actually, we were watching SATC the other day & she shouted “wtf is wrong with carrie?  wearing those giant flowers.”  so i told her you wear giant flowers.  on your head.
these aren’t really all that big today.
yea, those aren’t as big as the others.  **laughter** she said… “that’s actually cute.”
of course it is!
you look like you’re going to a wedding.  what’s in there anyway?
a sock.
a sock?
yes… a brand new, half scissored off sock.  you take a sock and cut…
a sock?
oh my…

i love my sister, but we are obviously two VERY different gals.  i actually DO my hair.

16 bottles for $10.

smart water.  smart purchase.

i swapped the ginormous ottoman for monkey’s old train table, so he could have a place (other than my entire living room floor) to house his legos.  after that, i got the brilliant idea to sort his legos into type.

DAY ONE HUNDRED and SEVENTEEN:  bazillions of pieces…

one huge underbed container to six organized containers.  flats to one.  blocks to one.  shapes to another.   car/house/ship/boat/specialized pieces to a fourth.

a fifth container now houses monkey’s “half put together” projects.  the sixth…

in that there giant lego head…

hundreds, if not thousands, of minifigs, parts & accessories (and a couple of horses).

i started to worry when i began sorting through these.  99% of them were hairless, maskless, helmetless or hatless.  98% of them were headless.  95% didn’t have legs.  90% of them didn’t have arms.  and 88% didn’t have hands.  before tossing them into the giant lego head, i gave each one the necessary parts.  5 are now missing legs and 4 still need at least one arm and/or one hand.  perhaps the dog ate them.

so why did i spend 6 hours, on a sunday, sorting thru a mass mess of legos that monkey will likely pour directly on the floor when he returns in two weeks?

BECAUSE MONKEY IS GONE FOR TWO WEEKS!!!  and i’m sad.  and i miss him.

(note to self:  add “find something productive to do!!” to the to-do list)