IT’S A FRAIL SAD LINE BETWEEN OPTIMISM AND DELUSION…

Posted on June 22, 2007

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ok, so here goes…

tuesday, we had an appointment with mom’s oncologist.  she wasn’t having a great day – she was weak & tired.  he went on & on about how he wasn’t as optimistic about the chemo as he once was, mainly b/c every time we go to do it, there’s a set back (fevers, surgery, etc).  it was almost as if he was trying to talk us OUT of doing the chemo.

now, let me remind you all that mom has not been treated for her cancer since the end of november 2006.  it has been 7 months since her last actual cancer treatment.  her last CT scan showed there was less fluid in her brain than was previously shown on a scan from March.  her MRI on tuesday showed that her actual tumor is completely stable (no increase in size).  miraculous?  absolutely.  so what’s the problem?

the MRI tuesday also showed some “illumination” in the lining of her brain.  what does this mean?  no one knows for sure.  it could be previous infection, current infection or cancer cells that have “seeded” into the lining.  however…in all of her hospital stays, all of the blood work, all of the labs, NO INFECTION WAS EVER FOUND.  so, what does that mean?  no one knows. 

so…

on thursday, michelle trekked up to osu with mom at 8am for more bloodwork & to have a PIC line put in.  at almost 11am, i get a call.  no PIC line, no chemo.  THEY CAN’T GET IT IN.  wait… the TECH can’t get it in!  (why exactly isn’t a doctor doing this?)  i ask michelle to see if they can just administer the chemo via IV today & we can schedule her for her mediport next week.  the oncologist says no.  something about infiltration of the IV (which we definitely do not want b/c mom already has a problem with her hand from a previous IV infiltration).  so… no chemo… again.  the port can’t be put in until next thursday & we are awaiting a CALL from the oncologist b/c he didn’t even bother to show up to talk to michelle or mom yesterday, even though they waited for over an hour for him.  he is going to try to talk us out of this, just like he did on tuesday.

here’s the thing… mom’s tumor is stable & has been for 7 months!  (wow!  how amazing is that?)  if the chemo can completely rid her of this tumor or even shrink, shrink, shrink it, that’s an even bigger plus b/c it would relieve at least some of the edema.  so why not try it? 

we are not ready to give up.  mom is not ready to give up.  quality over quantity, YES, but it would be silly not to try something that could give her quality AND quantity. 

so that’s the deal from yesterday.  i’m still so frustrated b/c i had to yell (yes, yell) at 3 different nurses just to get a thursday appointment for mom’s port (though i wanted monday, monday, monday!).  i’m slowly cooling down.  i suppose i should probably be on some high blood pressure meds.

moving on, but not really…

last night i saw that matt had uploaded some of our family vids to the computer.  so, i sat.  and watched.  for over an hour.  there were some awesome moment when silly monkey was just born, mom visiting, silly monkey screaming after a bath (that i only gave him b/c he peed on his head), crawling, more of mom visiting & calling him a “ham”, silly monkey walking & so much more. 

i watched & watched & watched & then broke down.  if i’m this emotional now, i may just have a nervous breakdown soon. 

now, let’s move on for real…

i actually did cut off ALL of my hair.  about 8.5 inches.  it wasn’t quite long enough for locks of love (so sad) b/c it was all different lengths (so many layers).  BUT, i love love love it.  and so does matt.  which is weird.  i posted a few photos of me & the new hair yesterday, so scroll back to check them out.

over the weekend, i will be uploading photos of becca’s graduation party. 

i will then be ordering shutterfly photos (all 600 something of them) b/c i  haven’t done so since last june.  and yes, i do have a TON of photos printed.  why?  b/c i have 2 baby photo albums and almost all of my photos stop at age 5.  it makes me sad.  i don’t want MY baby to be sad when he’s older and realizes mommy never took his picture (do boys do that?).  so there!

lastly…

CONGRATS TO BRENT & GINGER WHO DECIDED TO TAKE THE PLUNGE & GET MARRIED! 

** post title = davan from “something positive”, written by R. K. Milholland.

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