AND SO IT IS. JUST LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD BE. LIFE GOES EASY ON ME. MOST OF THE TIME…

Posted on August 13, 2007

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i suppose this is the post that you’ve all been waiting for. or the one that will be my grieving break-through. or the one that will be therapeutic.

i miss my mommy. i miss her so much it hurts. i miss her like i’ve never missed anyone or anything ever before.

i miss my mommy.

it’s not the kind of feeling that you have when you’re far from someone. it’s not the longing to be back in the arms of your loved one. it’s a kind that’s tearing me apart b/c i know that on the other side of these feelings are more of these feelings… and then more.

i miss my mommy.

and she was awesome. never once did i ever feel as though i was missing out on something. never once did i not have what i needed. never once did i ever not have what i truly wanted. she gave her children everything – everything she had and everything she didn’t. she was a wonderful mother. if i am half the mother she was, i will know that i have succeeded in being a mother.

i miss my mommy.

i miss her quirkiness – a half squirt of mint in her frappaccino, a bowlful of kimchi, her saying “hello daughter, this is your mother” on my answering machine. i miss her laugh, that i can barely remember these days. i miss her hair, that was always in her face. i miss her hands – all of her olive spots and all of the millions of rings she wore on her fingers.

silly monkey won’t grow up with his halmeoni. my future children will never meet her. neither will joshua’s future wife and future children. or even michelle’s future boyfriend(s). but they will KNOW her. as long as i have breath in me, they will ALL know her. they will know that above everything in her life, she loved her children and her silly monkey unconditionally.

i miss my mommy.

i miss the strawberry tallcakes at ruby tuesday, i miss the bead shows in cleveland, i miss the dixie chicks concerts where we all sang along (loudly), i miss her sandals in the snow, i miss the way she said “car”, i miss her betty boop scrunchie, and i miss her unannounced visits to see her “baby”.

i will carry on her pancakes, shrimp and “wine meat”. i will make silly monkey’s halloween costumes, just as she made mine. i will hug and kiss my silly monkey as often as possible. and on the day of her death, every year, i will donate to brain cancer research.

she was robbed of her life. a year ago, yesterday, she was given a death sentence. and every day, since that day, we held on as tight as we could, because we could. i only wish that holding on tighter could have made her better. brain cancer took her core, but her soul will forever be in my heart.

i am ok that she is gone b/c she is no longer suffering. and i feel great peace in knowing that she has been reunited with my grandpa, one of the most loving men this world has ever known. where that is, i don’t know, but i do know that are together.

but i am not ok.

i miss my mommy…

my mother loved me. she loved me so so so very much. and i will be strong b/c i know that. i will NEVER forget that.

i miss my mommy.

** post title = “the blower’s daughter”, damien rice

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