I MISS HER…

Posted on May 16, 2008

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i think about my mom very often – nearly every day, if not every day.  and i know, if she were here right now, she’d probably be living with me and spending every free moment she had with silly monkey.

i always told her that i would take care of her.  we’d buy a lot of land and build houses on it, just so we would be close enough to see each other every day.  she would stay home and watch silly monkey, while i worked and supported all of us.  it would be her well deserved retirement.  never in this thought did i imagine having a husband, or even a man around to help (even though, i was still married to m).  it was me and monkey and my mom.

sometimes, i even still see this… in my mind.  i’m not crazy, but i’ve always been one with an active imagination.  perhaps it’s why i get along so well with children.  but, i really do see it sometimes.

i haven’t cried about missing my mom in quite awhile.  i’ve gotten teary when thinking about her, but not tears-streaming crying.  today, i couldn’t help it.  i just couldn’t help it.  so much has changed since she’s been gone.  so much that she would have enjoyed, so much that she would have supported, so much that would have hurt her, too.  and i can’t help feeling lost and hurt b/c life is difficult, but short.  it felt good to cry.  it felt good to still feel her in my heart.

i suppose i’ll always feel like a part of me is missing.  perhaps it’s just b/c in the past 2 years, i’ve lost so much.  but through all of the tears and despite all of the heartache, i will always remain a woman my mother would be very, very proud of.

** top photo = me & mom (1980), photo on right = mom & silly monkey (2006)

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