DEATH, DEPRESSION & LILACS…

Posted on May 27, 2008

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i’ve been surrounded by suffering and death for just about the entire recent past – about 3 years now.  i won’t go into detail about it all b/c if you know anything about me, you know all about it…

we packed up the car on thursday evening and, after working for over 8 hours, trekked 13 hours to the boston area to visit my grandmother.  it was a beautiful, yet exhausting drive.

her cancer, like my mom’s, was not kind and her recovery was even less kind.  her mind is there, though we don’t know how much longer – thoughts of my grandfather and my mother fill her head.  her worries… her many worries are there.  and like her strong, yet pale hands, she tells me I AM STRONG, and i will “make it” and i “will be fine”.  it is me that is one of those many worries.

i loved seeing her, holding her hand, listening to her stories about marriage, lilacs and her love for my grandfather and “old people”.  it broke my heart to hear her say that god couldn’t save her, just like he couldn’t save my mom.

i love that silly monkey was able to meet her, for the first and probably the only time in his lifetime.  she held his hands, hugged him and kissed him all over.  she looks like my mom, or rather, my mom looked remarkably like her – same nose, same eyebrows, same mouth.  silly monkey thought so, too and at moments, i caught him giving her smiles of familiarity and comfort, as well as giggles of nervousness.

our visit was peaceful.  sometimes the silence felt deafening.  the smell of lilacs (my grandfather’s legacy) filled the air with an amazing fragrance and our view was filled with their beautiful purple blossoms.

leaving was difficult… very, very difficult.

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Posted in: family stuff