THERE’S THE KIND OF HELP YOU ASK FOR…

Posted on June 23, 2008

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i have frequent dreams about my mom.  in most of them, she’s on fire.  not stopdropandroll fire, but surrounded by flames, almost angelic looking.  they’re not scary or morbid or even hellish – they’re actually quite peaceful.  it’s nice to be able to see her face.  and her hair. 

perhaps the fire comes from seeing her being cremated.  i knew it was a bad idea to step into the chamber, but i had to see.  i wanted to see.  and from that night on, my mom was on fire…

i’ve always had wonderful people around me.  in fact, the people i love the most were with me when these dreams started.  one very significant person was not.  he decided to go to work that day.  he did not accompany me to the funeral home.  and he did not comfort me. he did not tell me everything would be ok.  for the most part, he ignored it and repeatedly told me that “we’re all going to die someday”.  it hurt.  it still hurts.  it was never a matter of death – it was always a matter of suffering.  i would have been better served by his silence.  i suppose it’s a moot point now.

i’ve never been haunted by visions of my mom.  they always bring me warmth.  it’s never difficult to talk about her, but it’s always difficult to hold the tears back.  my mom was, by far, my biggest fan.  i miss her.  i will never stop missing her.  she was a HUGE part of my life.  a HUGE part that is gone. 

in just a few weeks, she will have been gone for a year. 

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Posted in: family stuff