ONE YEAR AGO…

Posted on August 2, 2008

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dear mom:

it has been one whole year since you left us…

i stood by your bed and watched you take your last breath, holding onto silly monkey as tightly as i could. it almost felt as if i was taking my last breath. and even today, sometimes, i can barely breathe.

so much has changed since you’ve been gone. m and i have gone our separate ways, as much as i imagine you would be pleased to hear. i maintain my life and my home as a single mother, so desperately wanting my mother to guide me, to listen to me, to hold me. i try my best to model my desire for life after your desire for life, knowing that the time you had here with us was the most amazing blessing i could have ever wished for. you did this lovingly, strongly and willfully for three children and i am strong enough to do this for my one.

silly monkey is wonderful. he is my life, he is my true joy. he knows who you are. he sees your photos with excitement. you are the only one he calls “grandma”. and even more, he recognizes your face and voice with no prompting whatsoever. sometimes, he sees you. sometimes, he talks to you. always, we share your memory.

you would be so proud of joshua. he has returned to school to fulfill the dreams he discussed with you. his head is on straight and he is happier today than i have ever seen him to be in his entire life. he misses you, even if he doesn’t talk about you. but that’s him, you know that.

michelle is amazing. she has held my hand throughout this very difficult year. she is my shoulder to lean on, as much as you were for so very long. her aspirations are soon to be fulfilled. she has found her direction, even if it has taken her some time to get onto that path. you needn’t be as worried as you had once been.

and me? i am doing my best to honor the promise i made to you. and we’re all still standing. together.

the days are long and our hearts still long to fill the void of losing you. tears flow with thoughts of you, not having you here to share the exciting or the mundane. nothing is taken for granted. nothing will ever be taken for granted.

we miss you terribly and will love you for always.

love,
your daughter, danyelle

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