LIKE A RECORD ON REPEAT…

Posted on September 30, 2008

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me and mom - summer of '80

i miss my mom.  i’ve been thinking about her a lot lately.  what she would be saying to me, what she would be doing, even what she would be wearing.  anywhere i am, i imagine what she would order, what she would buy.  anything i see, i wonder what she would think.  most days, i realize that she’s missing everything there is to see and know and think about silly monkey.  and even more, i hurt b/c i miss her more than anything i could ever imagine, know, see or think.  will this aching ever go away?

not long after my mom was diagnosed with cancer, i began watching home movies to relax my mind.  there aren’t many – just a handful of us with silly monkey – a few with her before she got sick.  i would sit and watch and cry.  and now, those are gone.  M took them all when he left, promising to make copies that i have yet to see.  the crinkle of her face is fading from my memory, the sound of her voice only heard on an old answering machine message. 

it is severely beating me down and taking my breath away.  it is breaking me.

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