Posted on November 12, 2008


i have a photo of my mom.  well, lots, but this particular photo sits on the side of my non-magnety fronted fridge, in a small plastic frame.  it was taken a few days after silly monkey was born – she’s holding him while they snuggle on the sofa. 

each morning, monkey and i say hello to it her.  each and every morning.  the other morning, it fell from it’s frame and onto the floor.  monkey picked it up and brought it to me…

mommy.  grandma fell down.
oh, no.  we should put her back on the fridge.
ummm… no.  i hold her.
ok.  just for a little bit.
ok.  i hold her.  i put her in my bed?
no.  we should put her back on the fridge so we don’t lose her.
i hold her, mommy. i hold her for a little bit.

and the tears fell…

i love that he remembers her face.  i hate that he’ll never again see it. 

i love that he calls her grandma.  i hate that he’ll never be able to say it to her. 

i love that he talks to her photos.  i hate that he can’t talk to her. 

i love that he wants to hold her.  i hate that he can’t. 

i would say it’s bittersweet, but none of it is really sweet.  it’s pretty much 100% bitter.  there is no reason why she shouldn’t be here sharing all of this with him – all of the firsts, all of the seconds, all of the OMG for the billion-th time stop it right nows. 

perhaps it’s just that time of year – thanksgiving is fast approaching, then my bday, then her bday and then xmas/chanukah.  or perhaps it’s b/c i so hate doing ALLOFTHIS without my mommy.  whatever it is… I SO HATE DOING ALLOFTHIS WITHOUT MY MOMMY!!!!!