ROUGH WATERS…

Posted on December 5, 2008

0


it’s been a rough few days.  i’ve been exhausted since last friday and haven’t really done much to be exhausted (except for lack of sleep, but that’s a story for another day).  i suppose i have a lot on my mind.

i woke up tuesday and felt achy.  it was a weird achy.  i was shaking and jittery.  i had a headache.  ugh.  it was my birthday.  my last twenty something birthday before i turn 21 again!  yay!  and i just felt plain strange.

silly monkey and i made a not so quick trip to the bmv b/c really OMG highway (almost literally) robbery, i needed new tags AND a new license (which by the way has a photo worse than the last one, if at all humanly possible)!!  this is not recommended.  bmv + toddler = someone please STABMEINMYEYE!!!  an hour later, we spent some time with my bubbie and my dad (visiting from cali – hello!).  my mood passed, but i was still exhausted.

we ran home for a sort of kind of restfulless nap.  i curled up next to silly monkey and listened to him breathing heavily and i started to cry.  a lot.  like uncontrollably a lot and had to leave the room as to not wake the toddler who made bmv = hell and was finally asleep.  it lasted about 20 minutes.  and then i passed out.

two hours later i woke up with a massive headache.  i took some advil and shrugged it off b/c OMG WE’RE GOING TO MOLLY WOO’S WOO HOO!! **tangent – i love molly woo’s.  it could possibly be my favorite restaurant EVER!  pad thai.  yum.  miso dressing.  yum.  spring rolls.  yum.  edamame.  yum.  just yum.  yum.  yum. ** and off we went for a fabulous dinner of … well, see my tangent.  i had a great time and a great meal and kind of forgot about my mini meltdown.

and cut to today.

again.  just feeling off.  again.  could be the lack of sleep, but i’ve lacked sleep for at least 3 years now, so that can’t possibly be the only reason.

SMACK!

wow…

my mom was 29 when i was born.  and tuesday, i turned 29.

29 years ago, when my mom was 29, she was here with me.

29 years later, when i am 29, she is gone.

i had another mini meltdown today and am having another one right now.  it was such a tough year when she was sick.  and this past year without her has been even more tough.  i know i’ll always miss her.  i know i will have birthday upon birthday upon birthday without her, but quite frankly IT SUCKS!  IT SUCKS ASS and i hate it.

my heart aches so much more now than i ever imagined it would.  more than it ever has before.  i’m not in denial.  i have dealt with this, as much as anyone really can deal with it.  i’m just heartbroken.

time is not healing me.

time is killing me.

Advertisements