Posted on March 16, 2009


i’ve been doing a ridiculous amount of spring cleaning.  i suppose it should be called winter cleaning b/c it’s not quite spring, but whatever.  loads upon loads of junk have left my house – thank goodness!  i’ve also found at least 10 socks that i swore the dryer ate, but hey, lookey there… SOCKS! 

last weekend, while cleaning up filing, i found my mom’s death certificate.  it was a whole surge of emotion that i haven’t felt in a long while.  tears streamed and they wouldn’t stop.  it felt good.  but my heart ached.  it still does.  it always will.  but this felt different.  i spent a good deal of time looking at it, analyzing it, pointing out all the spelling errors.  i don’t know what i was looking for.  maybe an answer.  maybe a reason as to why all of this had happened.  i knew i wouldn’t find it.  i’ve made peace with never understanding why this happened.  but, i stared at it, wishing that something would pop out and hit me in the face and give me reason to not feel so anxious and sad and disconnected.  and it never came.  i finally put it away. 

i know one day i’ll come across it again.  i know that i’ll probably feel the same way and wish something in that oh-so final document would tell me something i need to hear.  and i’ll know it won’t.  and i’ll know that i shouldn’t be asking for answers b/c they’ll never come.  and even if an answer appeared, would i want to hear it?  would it be enough to make all of the pain and sadness go away?  or would it just create more…

i miss my mom.  there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t think about her and wish things could have been so completely different.  i hate that she suffered and sometimes feel guilty that she suffered for so long b/c she didn’t want to disappoint us for not giving up.  but in that guilt, i find comfort.  she was the best mother i could have ever imagined b/c she did it ALL for us.  even her last breathe, something i hear in my head over and over, was for us.