5 DAYS…

Posted on July 28, 2009

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i feel like i’ve been kicked in the stomach. 

i’ve been exhausted and dizzy and nauseous.  i’ve been on the verge of tears all week. 

and it’s not b/c i’m crazy or pregnant (oh god no, not pregnant) or unbalanced or unhappy.  it’s that i’m just not ready for what five days will bring b/c five days will bring…

two years.  

two years since i had to forcefully say goodbye to my best friend – my mother – my confidant – the most amazing woman i have ever known.  two years since i lost my breath by watching her take her last.  two years since my heart was ripped from my chest.  two years since i stood next to her and squeezed her hand, in hopes that it would bring a new life into her.  two years since learning that no matter how much hope i hold in my tiny hands, nothing could ever bring her back. 

i recently had the pleasure of conversing with someone who felt the very same things i do.  the very same situation.  the very same cancer.  and it was strangely comforting to hear the thing i say to myself over & over & over… 

time does not heal all wounds. 

time brings reality.  time brings on a sleu of new emotions each and every day.  time brings the realization that silly monkey will only learn about her through my memories b/c his are so faint.  i dread the day i get married.  i dread the day i have another child.  i dread the day that silly monkey graduates high school, then college, then gets married to some woman i have already decided to despise.  and when he has children of his own…

oh god, i absolutely dread the thought of being so ridiculously happy. 

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