LOOK BACK, DON’T YOU DARE LET ME START TO DO THAT. I DON’T CARE IF THE THINGS I HAVE, ONLY MAKE ME AFRAID TO LOSE. I NEED TO LET GO. NEED TO WANT TO KEEP LETTING YOU KNOW…

Posted on August 2, 2009

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it’s taken me four days to write this post. four entire days of slaving away at the keyboard.

typing.  deleting.

typing.  deleting.

typing.  typing.

deleting.  deleting.  deleting.

and after four days, i ended up with this…

a blank slate.  in fact, everything above these words has been written for four days.  everything below, well…

there are so many things on my mind.  ok, so that’s not true.  really one thing remains on my mind, especially now, on august 2nd… two years later.

i had a million distractions today – lunch with silly monkey and my bro at a restaurant that my mother LOVED, but would be oh so disappointed with today, a sort of half-assed attempt at a nap resulting in a sore neck and back b/c crap i actually fell asleep pretty much sitting up (damn cold meds), and a lovely visit with mason, one of my very best people who i don’t get to see nearly enough, though i hear his voice just about every day… thank god for the insanity that is our sanity.

and with all the distractions… no tears.  not a single one.  and that, that in itself, makes me want to cry.

i still haven’t learned how to say goodbye.  her voice is recorded on a my now defunct answering machine, packed in a box somewhere deep in the basement.  photos of her adorn nearly every wall in my home.  she’s laughing and smiling and why oh why can i not hear it or see it right here, right now where it matters and i miss it and i need it?!  her urn sits atop a high shelf in my living room, blending in mostly as a pretty piece of decor b/c omg she would LOVE that her final resting place, though divided amongst those who love her most, is a beautiful pink floral urn.

the past tense is what kills me quietly each and every day.  to have to remind myself that i LOVE her, not that i LOVED her, makes me shudder.  and when i have to stare at a photo to remember the crinkles in her eyes… those are the moments that i lose the numbness that has helped me get through most days of each passing year.

** post title – sara bareilles:  morningside

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