SOMETHING ALWAYS BRINGS ME BACK TO YOU. IT NEVER TAKES TOO LONG. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR DO. I’LL STILL FEEL YOU HERE ‘TIL THE MOMENT I’M GONE…

Posted on August 2, 2009

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dear mom:

it has been two whole years since you left us…

and i play this past year over and over in my head hoping i’ll have something to write to you and tell you and share with you, but my mind just goes blank.  not blank b/c there is nothing to tell you b/c wow, there is so much to just… say…

like that guy riding his motorcycle without a helmet exposing his very greasy & curly mullet.  did i mention it was permed? i did?  well… it was SO permed!!!  or the fact that i didn’t realize that we lived so close to the border of hillbillytown until i pulled up next to an old man and his wife filling the lawnmower AT the gas station.

and on and on…

there really is so much to say.  i don’t know how many times i’ve heard something or seen something or tasted something and thought – i wish you were here to hear this, or see this or taste this.  i make a lot of wishes these days.  more in the past three years than i ever have in my entire life.  and trust me, i’ve wished for TONS of things since i can possibly remember wishing – boobs, money, boys… but somehow, these wishes about you, they seem so much bigger than most boobs and more valuable than money and more worthy than any boy. 

but of all the things i need to tell you about…

silly monkey is THREE!  i know!  THREE!  and he’s such a smarty pants that when asked where it hurts when he coughs, he says “my trachea”.  he starts school in september and he couldn’t be more excited, save for the fact that his beloved auntie chelle will get to spend loads more time with him b/c she is…

going back to school!  i’m proud of her and i know you are, too.  one day soon, you’ll have two very strong girls that you’ll never have to worry about.  ones that take such good care of themselves, that no one would ever need to take care of them.  i’m still holding out for the chance that she’ll meet a rich man and marry and have lots of babies.  ok.  so scratch the babies part.  b/c our only chance left for babies may be your son…

who is going to be a very successful nurse!  your baby who teaches my baby words and parts like “trachea” and “clavicle” and “femur”.  your baby who excelled through the accelerated summer nursing program.  your baby who has found meaning in his life b/c he sat next to you and promised you that he could.  and he would.  and he is. 

and me?  i’m living every day with deep breaths and smiles – trying desperately not to pass out from the stress of everything weighing so heavily on my shoulders. 

we miss you terribly.  days never pass without our thoughts of you.  our hearts skip beats.  and on good days, we smile for absolutely no reason whatsoever. 

i love you.  more than i could ever have imagined one could love another.  more than i could ever have told you when you were here.  i love you.

love your ever-pained, yet oh so grateful daughter,
danyelle

ps.  i’m dating.  a lot.  omg.  i know!  and i promise that some boys don’t care about long hair. 

** post title – sara bareilles: gravity

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