Posted on October 13, 2009


it’s funny what this blog can track.  i’m not complaining.  readers are readers and anything i don’t want read doesn’t get written.  or does in fact get written, but doesn’t get published and/or gets password protected.

i’m not one of those super private people.  i don’t think i ever have been.  i have an overwhelming need to let people know how i feel, especially if i love those people and especially especially if i’m under the impression that those people love me. i’ve never been one to hold my thoughts or feelings in.  no one is disposable and it’s not to say that i’m careless with anyone’s feelings b/c i’m not (in fact, i’ve been accused of caring too much), but if you ask me how i feel about something, i’ll tell you exactly how i feel about that something…

i have countless posts about my mom.  i wrote most of those at a time when i was under a supreme amount of stress.  at a time that should be joyous and exciting.  not to say it wasn’t exciting, it just wasn’t exciting for the right reason.  or all of the right reasons, really.  but some of those posts were written after she had passed and when i really started feeling anxious and sad and like a piece of me was missing.  i’ve always said i felt cheated.  i still feel cheated.  but the past is the past and i can’t change what doesn’t want to be changed.  i can’t change what can never be changed.

dandelions = seeds of hope
dandelions = seeds of hope

i have a handful of posts about M and our relationship and this wondrous fantasy i had created to keep myself happy.  or at least content.  it’s as if i was so distracted for so many years that it was easier to accept all of the bad and pretend it was all shiny and sparkly, than it was to be strong and demand that i deserved better.  and even though i’m happier with today than i ever thought possible, it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt to know that it wasn’t just M and it wasn’t just me, but there were so many others that contributed to the downfall of something that should have been amazing… yet never was.

i am all too familiar with the reality that sometimes things break, but bashing it with a hammer just contributes to the permanence of ill repair, if repair is even possible.  all i say to those so many others is… shame on you.  but i digress b/c it’s been far too long for me to look back and stand up and say… shame on you.  i’ve stopped wondering what could have been b/c i’ve started wondering what should have been and this is what should have been.  i have something amazing from living every moment i lived, even if i had to pretend those moments were as great as i have made them out to be.  i used to think it was more difficult to leave it behind  than to stay and be sad.  and nearly two years ago, i realized how far from the truth that is.

i’m not ashamed to cry.  i admit it.  i cry.  sometimes i cry a lot.  after my mom passed, i thought i might never stop crying.  but at the end of those tears are smiles i deserve to smile.  smiles i have always deserved to smile no matter how much something or someone else doesn’t want me to smile those smiles.  and for the past two years, i’ve had so much more to smile about than cry about.  no contest.  somewhere along the way, i learned to love myself.  and everything i stand for reflects that strength.

but really, it is amazing what this blog can track.  in some instances i know exactly who is reading.  and in those instances, i can only hope that they will finally learn something about themselves.  something about being human.

post title = lawrence kelemen, to kindle a soul