Posted on October 14, 2009


it’s been a rough day.

i’ve been worried about silly monkey for some non-h1n1, but serious reasons and today just gave me more reasons to worry.  i got just about zero sleep last night – tossed and turned and tossed some more.  but i’m a worrier by nature, so what can i say?  i’m sure he’ll be just fine.  chances are that he’s just fine and it’s all a fluke or something silly.  and even if the tests reveal that he’s not exactly “fine”, i have been semi-assured that what has to be done is decently routine b/c what he may have is decently common… in that field anyway.  so i’m trying not to worry and it’s making me neurotic b/c i worry too much already.  why stop now?

i also got THE call that we’ve all been dreading.  cancer took my mother two years ago and now it has taken my grandmother.  i’m not sure how i feel or what i feel or even if what i’m feeling is what i am supposed to be feeling… and shouldn’t i be a pro, at this point, on feeling what it is that cancer and death is supposed to make me feel?

i have to go on an airplane tomorrow, silly monkey.
b/c my grandma died.  so i am going to say goodbye to her. do you understand?
yes.  but… did your grandma die just like my grandma?
yes, silly monkey, she sure did.
is your grandma going to be with my grandma?
she sure is.
but you will stay with me?

i always tell silly monkey that it’s ok to be sad.  it’s ok to be upset.  it’s ok to be angry.  i always tell silly monkey that if he’s sad, it’s ok to cry.  if he’s upset, it’s ok to say so.  and if he’s angry, it’s ok to let it out.

so why, at a time like this, is it all so hard for me to do?

** post title = it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday, boyz ii men