Posted on October 18, 2009


i’m not sure i could have been any more happy to see silly monkey.  he ran up the stairs with a huge smile on his face.  it no doubt matched the smile on mine.  it’s not like i haven’t been away from him before – i braved a forced two week non-vacation from him in august.  this time was different, though.  very different.  it wasn’t a nice few days away in the country.  it was an exhausting few days of travel wrapped around a very, very sad day.

i had mentioned before that i hadn’t cried the day my grandmother passed away.  maybe it was the shock of it.  or maybe i just wasn’t ready to let it out.

in may 2008, we were given the same “she has 48 hours” as we did a few weeks ago.  we said our goodbyes just to see my grandmother rise and live another year and a half of life, as if she had never been diagnosed with cancer.  as if she had never been sick at all.  but this time was different.

the day of travel had me frazzled.  i don’t do well with last-minute anything.  i require planning.  lots of planning.  but that night brought my first tears.  i saw my aunt.  and nearly lost it.  the morning of the funeral, i felt ok, though after arriving at the veteran’s cemetary, i did lose it.  the tears i knew were coming, the ones i had held back, had finally arrived.  the service was beautiful.  and atop her casket, i saw a photo i had never seen before – one of my grandparents together, smiling HUGE smiles… ones i had never seen on either of their faces.  and i can only hope those smiles reappeared at the moment they were reunited.

i’ve received so many “i’m sorry”s since thursday.  and i thank each and every person who wants to say something, but has no idea what to say, so “i’m sorry” is forced from their mouths.  and then there are those who should say something, anything, but have said nothing.  it’s about caring, not having the right words to express that caring b/c there are no right words.

this all has me thinking more and more about my mom.  and losing her.  and i would never wish this feeling upon anyone… ever.