DOUBT…

Posted on November 10, 2009

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most people given the benefit of the doubt are those that require people to look the other way.  they certainly haven’t literally maimed anyone, killed them, sliced fingers off or driven off a bridge with puppies tied to the undercarriage.  but figuratively?  ah.  figuratively, they’ve probably done just about all of the above…

the saddest part of all is that the damage done by giving those that undeservedly receive the benefit of the doubt is that the lasting effects on those they have figuratively harmed, are, in fact, long-lasting and, like cancer, those effects may not be felt for days, weeks, months or even years to come.  and those that undeservedly receive the benefit of the doubt will be long gone when those effects surface, leaving someone else to pick up the pieces.

i don’t mind being that person to pick up the pieces, if and only if, i love the person to whom i must pick up and piece back together.  i will open my arms and hold them tight, wipe away tears and try my best to explain the pain away.  but at that point, in the piecing back together, i hope i am not asked “why?”.

why has this happened?

why did this happen to me?

why would anyone ever subject someone they love to anything so devastating that it in itself could not be pieced  back together?

b/c my only answer, and the only answer, is – the undeserved person who so unjustly received the benefit of the doubt, over and over, has absolutely no idea what it means to truly love another b/c that undeserved person who so unjustly received the benefit of the doubt, over and over, knows not even how to truly love them self.

unfortunately, that answer will never explain away the pain.

i trust.  but i trust those that have earned it.  and i will forever have faith in myself to say that i have learned not to give it away.  i refuse to give anyone the benefit of the doubt b/c it is just that – doubt.  and the last time i did that, the last time i gave my trust and deep-seeded doubt away, it ran off with my life.  my sanity.  my happiness.  it has taken me two LONG years to get it back. and this time, i’m never letting go.

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