“WHY DO THE STARS COME OUT?” asked Piglet. “IT GIVES US SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT” said Pooh…

Posted on November 17, 2009

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it’s november 16th-ish.  and the christmas tree is up.  in fact, it went up yesterday.

i’ve been begging my sister to get it out for a week now.  i don’t know why.  it’s not even thanksgiving yet and i usually set everything up the day after.  but, i’ve felt like i needed it.  i needed to get the tree out,  i needed the glitter everywhere, i needed the gel clings on the windows, i needed the boxes of ornaments strewn about… i just NEEDED it all.

so.  she caved and we set up the tree…

i spent about two hours putting my ornaments on the tree, after i disaster area-d my upstairs hallway with my HUGE collection of some inherited, some not inherited hallmark ornaments.  i carefully unwrapped them, gently placed hooks and smiled at each and every one…

my mom’s favorite.  frosty friends.  she had EVERY one of these in the series.  except one.  the first one.  my brother and i looked for years for one on ebay.  never found one that was within a mortgage payment.  that would have been the best gift…

as would #4 in this winnie the pooh book series.  my mom bought me one of these every year since 1998 (until she passed in 2007).  they didn’t mean much back then, but i know what she was trying to do.  she was trying to create a tradition.  something we didn’t have much of in our family.  love, we had a ton of.  tradition, not so much.  and as a selfish and take-everything-for-granted young’un, i tossed them into a box and then lost #4.  if i had to choose a prized possession, these would rank quite highly on the list.

in fact, most of my ornaments are winnie the pooh related.  and most of them are from my mom…

this is the last ornament my mom gave me, before she was diagnosed with GBM.  it’s also the last ornament i put on the tree before becoming… angry.  i tried to relax, but i couldn’t.  i tried to tell myself they were just “things”, but they aren’t.  and i got more and more angry & more and more emotional b/c DAMMIT…

she should be here to start new traditions with silly monkey.  and she should still be here to pick these out for him…

she should be here to see the excitement on his face when this ends up on the tree, even though he’s seen in a billion times before…

she should demand her turn in the piano playing snowman rotation b/c i had it last year and that was our deal, after a 30 minute discussion about the fact that we didn’t EACH need one and we could suck it up and share…

and she should be here to stake her claim on the rest of the snowmen that i kept buying after she was sick b/c having them out seems to make me not miss her so, so, so much…

or maybe they make me miss her more.  or maybe they make me feel less angry.  or maybe they make me feel more angry.

and so i realized, it wasn’t the decoration i needed. it wasn’t even the holiday cheer.  all i needed was a piece of my mom – front and center, right out in plain view b/c although this will be my third christmas without her, i am beyond angry that she isn’t here.

i am simply and miserably missing a huge part of my heart.  and it is the physical and mental equivalent of torture.

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