Posted on November 20, 2009


i love this girl

she’s witty and articulate and intelligent and blunt and to the point and tell it like it is and not afraid to let herself be heard.  she’s appreciative.  she’s loving.  she’s a mom that loves being a mom, even if it wasn’t in her original plans.  she’s not afraid to admit when she’s wrong.  and the girl can write. 

funny thing is, i’ve never actually met her and her south african self.  in fact, i don’t believe i even know her real name.  a while back, we just started reading each other’s blogs, leaving comments and such.  so it’s a kind of virtual friendship of sorts, that eventually extended onto facebook.  the web really is an interesting network.

she recently posted this about her relationship and reasons to stay.  it got me thinking.  what if i had stayed?  what if i had tried harder?  what if i had just given in?  who would i  be?  what would i be? 

in answering those questions, i know that i made the absolute and proper choice to finally let go and say goodbye.  even if it meant i was giving up…

see, i was already a single mother (i was just taxed as being married).  i carried silly monkey. i birthed silly monkey.  i nursed silly monkey.  i diapered silly monkey.  i bathed silly monkey.  i fed silly monkey.  i comforted silly monkey.  i sang god-awful songs to silly monkey.  i rocked silly monkey.  i rested with silly monkey.  i lacked sleep with silly monkey.  i gave up freedom for silly monkey.  i gave up immaturity for silly monkey.  and even though M was physically there, he had just about checked out weeks after silly monkey was born, if not sooner.  i’m still doing the same things.  i just get a better tax exemption. 

had i held on, i wouldn’t know what it was like to be courted.  pursued.  taken on a real date.  b/c after nearly ten years with one person, beginning in my teen years, i have been given the opportunity to embark on those things.  and i did.  and i do.  and it’s fun.

if i would have looked the other way, i would still be wondering.  and i hate wondering.  where is he?  who is he with?  what is he doing?  i hate those thoughts.  and when M walked out the door, he took those thoughts with him. 

and now i can trust.  if i want to.  if it’s warranted. 

the thing is, if you want me to trust you, prove to me you’re worth it.  the damage M did over the past ten years left me without the ability to faithfully believe that anyone could be faithful, which is perhaps why i haven’t found the right person to introduce to my life, whole heartedly.  but that’s OK b/c my eyes are open and my heart is open to the possibility of truly being loved and adored.  with no strings attached.  and no “other woman” hiding behind closed doors. 

but most importantly, if i would have stayed, if i would have demanded that we work through something that was doomed from the start, i would never have been as happy as i am today.  i lived for years in misery.  i lived feeling like i could never say goodbye b/c if i did, what would i be worth?  didn’t i have what i deserved?  had i done something so awful that i deserved only to be stepped on, taken advantage of, cheated on and lied to?  but in the end, had i refused to let go, i would have never stopped wondering and i would have never started trusting. 

so, would i go through everything again – all of the hurt, the pain, the bruises, the heartache, the misery?  would i relive years full of memories that make me cry more than smile? 

well, yea.  to get to where i am today, absolutely.  as a wise woman recently told me… the storm is over.  it’s time to clean up.