PART THREE: WHY I KINDA SORTA NEED A MAN. BUT NOT REALLY. MAYBE…

Posted on May 17, 2010

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i collected my first boyfriend in kindergarten.  i was four.  he was five.  his name was david.  he used to pull my hair on the playground and i would pinch him if he sat in front of me.  it was love at first fight.  halfway through the school year, he disappeared.  i can’t recall if my teachers told the class about his illness, but it wasn’t until several years later (like 10) that i learned he had passed away.  leukemia.  i’m sure my mother spared me the gory details until i was old enough to understand.  but even at 14, i became heart-broken.  he was the first person i had ever cared about and lost.  and i hadn’t even known.

and then adam came along, in the first grade.  he was adorable.  i wanted him to be my boyfriend, but he asked my friend to “go around” with him.  and by friend, i mean my mortal frenemy.  after i moved from cali to ohio, at age 12, we wrote each other letters.  it was in these letters that he told me that it was me he had always wanted, me that he had always trusted and me that he knew would never hurt him.  he had just been too scared to say so.   the correspondence lasted for a few years before we completely lost touch.  when i met up with him again, at age 18, i was still smitten.  it’s funny how so much time can go by and you still long for the simplistic nature of puppy love.  we walked on the beach.  had lunch on a pier.  talked for hours on end.   upon dropping me off after our time together, he asked if he could see me again before i left.  i said yes.  it never happened.  i haven’t seen him or talked to him since that day. 

“upper” elementary school brought joey.  an adorable “younger” guy that was the talk of the playground.  i made my friend tell him i liked him.  he made his friend tell me he liked me.  so we were a couple.  and i refused to kiss him – such the prude.  i broke up with joey on a dare and ended up with another david…

and this david would remain one of the most special people in my life, to this very day.  this david would end up with his high school sweetheart – someone i absolutely adore [hi, kel!]. 

intermediate school brought on a whole slew of teenage emotions and is when i began crushing on just about every boy who walked my path.  nothing culminated there, considering i moved to ohio shortly thereafter, which is where i met my first real “country” boy – alex.  he was tall.  and quiet.  two things i wasn’t really used to.  at 13, i really thought i was ready for a relationship.  we spent an entire school year/summer together, however, this one failed most likely due to the fact that we went to different schools.  he was a sweet boy.  the kind most gals will repeatedly step on.  i often wonder what happened to him. 

high school happened and i was not pleased.  the list of boys i crushed on there could easily take up two pages.  single spaced.  in 12pt font.  and funny enough, after running with boys my age during my summers in sunnyvale and austin, i ended up with a boy who was far too old for me – his 19 years to my very mature 14 – for far too long.  four years, to be exact.

at 18, i explored.  tried to figure out what it was that i wanted.  chad helped.  so did mike.  ben assisted.  as did tim, jeff, josh and aaron.  and at the tail end of 19, i met M.  and we all know what happened there. 

this past year or so allowed me to crush on luke and keegan, two awesome guys that were far too young to understand my priorities, let alone acknowledge their own.  it also introduced me to chris and will, two great guys that helped me update a list of things i am not willing to accept or even tolerate.

 i guess my point is this…

until recently, i have never really been alone.  i have never had the opportunity to understand what it means to just be me with me for me.  i had always been on my best behavior, which we all know is just a cover up for not being oneself.  i’m relationship girl.  ask anyone i know and they’ll tell you the same.  so why is it that i feel so strongly about being single?  and being just fine with being single?

b/c i’ve learned there is a major difference between being alone and being lonely.  i will NEVER be alone.  i have more than a handful of wonderful people in my life.  they make me feel awesome.  they like me for me.  and they allow me to love everything about myself, flaws and all. 

i used to equate happiness with being in a relationship.  but looking back, none of these relationships have brought me anything more than heartache or anything less than impatience.  i am more happy today than i have been in years – my whole adult life, really.  and i will hold onto that for as long as i humanly can. 

the thing is, i don’t need anyone to complete me. 

i’ve done that all on my own. 

(see part one here)
(see part two here)

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