PART FOUR: WHY I KINDA SORTA NEED A MAN. BUT NOT REALLY. MAYBE…

Posted on May 21, 2010

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my sister rarely reads my blog.  she says it makes her cry.  so when i want her to hear something i write, i read it to her.

i’ve been sharing this continued saga with her.  and last night, she laughed at me…

wow.  you’re growing up.
i know.  crazy, huh?  it might have taken me a long time to…
yea.  a REALLY long time!
but at least i’m here, now.
it’s funny b/c i never had to go through all you did.  or all mom did.  i just… knew.
i guess you’re the lucky kind.
while you went from relationship to relationship, boy to boy, i had a relationship with myself.
and at that time, i didn’t get it.  and now i do.
awww… all grown up.

mom.  grrr.  why did she have to bring up my mom?  or equate me in that manner.  all the things she went through.  all the things i went through.

dammit.

it’s frightening how similar my path mirrors my mothers.  in fact, i think i’ve mentioned that here before.  but what i’ve probably failed to mention before is it isn’t just the commonality of divorce and single motherhood that i share with my mom, it’s also our view on happiness and love – or at least my former view of it.

you see, my mother was a LOVING person.  she was affectionate and wore happiness on her face.  and even in the adversity of being a near teen and moving to a foreign country where she didn’t speak the language, she put the smile on.  she always put the smile on.

tell me now, if you came sneaking up behind
would you know me and see behind the smile
i can change like colors on a wall
hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
i think i hide it all so well

~ everybody knows, dixie chicks

she had my sister with her long-time boyfriend.  they never married.  and when she finally saw the signs that made is easy for her to leave, she did so, taking my sister with her.  five years later, a whirlwind romance with my dad gave her a husband and me.  my parents were married for about 12 years.  i don’t remember them ever being happy together, but i do remember how happy my mom was to have us – my sister, myself and my younger brother.  we were her life.  we were her joy.  we were her sole reasons for happiness.

sound familiar?

after my parents divorced, my mom had a few boyfriends.  some were assholes.  most i don’t remember meeting.  she wanted to be loved.  it didn’t matter who he was, what he did or how he did it.  after years of being miserable, she had a very twisted view on love and happiness.  she was with men for the sake of being with them.  and she thought she loved them.  she thought they loved her.

sound familiar?

in 2000, as she was crossing a street to fetch a pack of cigarettes for her then beau, she was struck by a truck.  she flew over 8 feet.  i remember receiving the phone call at 2am.  i couldn’t breathe.  i gathered my siblings and we headed to the hospital, where we saw her in traction, bruised and covered in road rash.  her boyfriend didn’t realize she hadn’t returned until 2 hours after she left, when he looked out his front door and found her shoe in the middle of the street.  it took her several surgeries and months upon months to recover from the accident.

when she was well, she wanted to pick up her belongings from his place.  i went with her.  he was there.  he picked a fight with her and i screamed at him.  louder and with more anger than i had ever felt in my life.  in my entire body.  i forbid her from ever seeing him again.  i forbid her from ever speaking with him again.

this was her moment.  this was when she finally realized that she had spent her life chasing after love when it had been right in front of her face the whole time – with me and my siblings.  we never left her side.  our love was unconditional.  our love wasn’t based on what she could do for us or what she could give us.  she was already complete.  she didn’t need a man to love her b/c she already had all the love in the world.

sound familiar?

this was my mom’s life-changing epiphany.  and she had seven years to enjoy it before cancer took her life.

it took her a long time to realize these things.  and it’s taken me quite a while as well.  i’ve spent my life chasing after love and happiness when i had it all along.  i just had to see it for myself.

i will NOT be with someone just to be with someone.  i will not settle for anything less than perfect for me.  i don’t NEED to spend my life with someone, i WANT to spend my life with someone.  and when i find that person, i won’t NEED to spend all of my time with them, but  i will WANT to spend all of my time with them.  that is forever to me – wanting to want that… but never needing it.

(see part one here)
(see part two here)
(see part three here)

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