PART FIVE: WHY I KINDA SORTA NEED A MAN. BUT NOT REALLY. MAYBE…

Posted on June 3, 2010

7


i met a boy. 

he’s already seen me in my swimsuit, slathered in sunblock, soaking wet – so hurdle #1… successfully jumped. 

and he’s already seen me with silly monkey, monkeying around in the pool and eating teddy grahams poolside – so hurdle #2… successfully jumped.

and i’ve met his son – so hurdle #3…  roadblock.

if you know me, you already know that i’m not keen on dating men with children.  and it’s not b/c i don’t love children, b/c i totally do, especially when they’re quiet and well-mannered and share with my child.  the problem is this…

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i’m a single mother.  and my silly monkey means the world to me.  kissing his boo-boos and tucking him in at night.  singing to him.  reading to him.  listening to him get super excited about just about nothing.  these are my most prized moments.  and i want them.  for myself.  forever.

of course, in this thing called “life” (blah), change is imminent.  M met someone and she is now in silly monkey’s life.  i can only assume that she would do these things for him, some of them anyway (since he has plainly stated that i am the only one to sing to him.  and they do not read to him.).  i hate this.  not b/c it’s her, but b/c it’s not ME.  and it’s not realistic to hate someone b/c they are there to do things when i cannot be am not allowed to be there.  it kills me.  it hurts me.  at times, when there has been nothing to distract me from feeling my own feelings and being alone with my thoughts, it pains me. 

and i don’t ever want to be the woman that makes another mother feel these feelings. 

granted, i would never, ever try to replace another mother.  in fact, i would completely take a step back and allow “him” and “her” to evaluate their relationships with their child(ren).  it would NEVER be my place to stick my nose into anything custodial related (unless the child was at risk), especially if i didn’t really know the situation, the relationships or even either of them well enough to know intentions and long-term behaviors.  it would NEVER be my place to interfere with a mother and her child.  EVER.  i know these things and i know how they feel b/c they have been done to me. 

i don’t have the best relationship with M’s gal.  in fact, i don’t have one at all.  she’s nice enough and it could be worse (and has been worse), but the fact of the matter is she stuck herself into my child’s life long before she was ever welcome to even give an opinion.  she barely knew M, she didn’t know me and she certainly didn’t know silly monkey well enough to know what made him happy, etc.  she has put my child in danger – ignoring the fact that a car seat has to actually be strapped into the car to do its job.  and she has taken out her disdain for me, on him – literally slamming the door closed just as silly monkey has barely taken his last step out.

but even if we were best friends and had regular girl chat, i would still hate it.  b/c she is not me.  and i am silly monkey’s mommy. 

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i chatted with the man at the pool for a few hours while silly monkey jumped from the side, onto me, into the water. 

he was attractive.  he made me laugh.  silly monkey thought his tattoos were cool. 

he has his BA in business from OSU and got his MA two years ago.  he works in finance and loves his career.  he owns a condo down the street from mine. 

he broke his nose as a teen, by jumping into a kiddie pool face first.  but it’s ok, b/c it looks better now than it did before.  or so he says.

his brother is his best friend.  he has sunday dinner with his family every week. 

as he talked, i smiled and felt myself mentally checking off all of those “pro” items from that stupid list of “perfect” things a man can say to a woman.  on paper, it was pretty.  very pretty. 

as we left, he asked if we wanted to join them for ice cream.  i declined the offer.  he then asked if he could call me sometime.  i replied – “perhaps we’ll just see you here again soon.”  i meant it.  it would be lovely to talk to him again.  and get to know him.

but…  he has a kid. 

and i just don’t think i can be the woman that makes another mother feel how i feel. 

(see part one here)
(see part two here)
(see part three here)
(see part four here)

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