WITH GREAT SADNESS…

Posted on June 7, 2010

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i recently learned that a lovely gentleman, who works in the office below mine, passed away last weekend.  he had a massive heart attack.  he never had a chance to recover.  he was 44.

my heart began to ache. 

i didn’t know him well, but we often chatted about our families and life, in general, while sharing our outdoor break time.  of course, over a cigarette.  and in the week since i’ve known that this poor man left behind a wife and two young teenagers, i’ve been hard pressed to pick up a stick. 

have i?  of course.  it’s an addiction.  and just like all other addictions, stopping is pretty damn difficult…

after i had my miscarriage, i stopped smoking.  i perhaps had one or two over the months before i got pregnant with silly monkey.  and i didn’t put another in my mouth until he was about 5 months old.  i suppose it was the ease of knowing they were at home b/c  M smoked.  and maybe the added stress of my mother’s illness and death just pushed me too far over the edge to even try to stop again. 

when M and i separated, i used cigarettes to cope.  it was stressful.  and those little sticks helped me cope.  it was unhealthy and i knew it.  i know it now.  i’ve always known it.  but they were there, like that little friend who drags you along for the ride, even when you know you should have refused the outing. 

i quit for several months a year or so ago.  i felt good.  my throat didn’t hurt, i could sleep well and i didn’t stink.  but during the last phase of my divorce, i picked up a pack and never looked back. 

excuses, excuses.  i know.  why do it if i know it’s bad for me?  perhaps b/c i can.  in fact, i’m certain it’s for the sole fact of knowing that i can.  but i NEED to force that same mentality on myself in order to stop.  stop b/c i can.  stop b/c i KNOW i can. 

i am SO angry with cancer for taking my mother from me.  she had no chance.  her cancer was just a strike of bad luck.  not hereditary.  not dietary related.  not inherited from some stupid, idiotic bad behavior.  it was there b/c it wanted to be.  that i can be THIS angry at cancer knowing all the while that there was nothing that could be done to prevent my mother’s cancer and STILL put those ill-advised cancer sticks in my mouth and suck in… just plain stupid.  idiotic.  beyond comprehension. 

we KNOW cigarettes contribute to sickness and death.  they take us away from our loves one, away from ourselves.  and i can no longer allow myself to willingly take years from my life… days even. 

i have so much to live for, so how can i be OK with putting a time limit on that?

the man who passed away – he smoked.  a lot.  in fact, a few office mates made regular comments about how much he smoked.  there is no doubt that those cigarettes helped put him in his early grave. 

i don’t want to be him. 

so stopping.  i will.  and i am. 

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Posted in: health stuff