PART SIX: WHY I KINDA SORTA NEED A MAN. BUT NOT REALLY. MAYBE…

Posted on June 8, 2010

6


i ran into pool guy (heretofore now known only as PG) at the store a few days ago.  it was late.  probably 11pm.  i had run to find a torx wrench and light bulb for my car. 

i had on an oversized sundress.  a hoodie.  and flip-flops.  i was covered in sweat from trying to get the stupid light cover off my jeep’s tail light (thus the need to go get the torx wrench, which i had to google b/c i had no idea what it was and there was no use with the hundred different screwdrivers i did have.  seriously?  a star?).  i’m almost certain my hair was a mess and my makeup was running down my face. 

[it is in only moments of pure frustration that i will leave my house looking like a total fool.  this was one.]

i saw him from about a hundred feet away.  i didn’t think he saw me, so i darted down another aisle.  and he followed me. 

**dammit** 

and then he called me out….

 **crap**

d… it’s me.  PG.  we met a while back.  at the pool.
OOOOH.  yea.  hi.  how are you?
you totally saw me.
i did?
yes.
i did.
why didn’t you stop and say hello? 
b/c you make me nervous.
how?
you just do.
not intentionally.  i would never…
i know. but… i’m kinda in a hurry. chat later?
yea. sure. of course.
k.  have a good night.
bye.
bye.

** bitch.  Bitch.  BITCH. **

that was the only thought running through my head.  i was a complete and total bitch.  and for what?  that this man had a life before me, was in love, had a baby, became a father and loves his child?  how dare me!!  i mean, i did the same thing.  minus the falling in love part.  and it’s not like he asked me to marry him.  or even be his exclusive gal.  he just wanted to chat.  and perhaps have dinner. 

but he still has that kid.  he still has the ex-wife.  and i still feel the same way about it that i did last week.  a month ago.  a year ago.   and nothing has changed other than the fact that he is lots more yummy when he’s not covered in chlorinated water.  oh, and that he chased me down in the store, only to berate me for not saying hi.  i mean… HELLO, PERSONAL SPACE!  (or hello, come a little closer.)

i drove home feeling like a total idiot.  then arrived home and promptly changed the bulb in my car, chatted with my shirtless neighbor & his new boyfriend and took my dog for a brief walk.  by the time i had showered and my head hit the pillow, i had all but forgotten about the late night store visit plus cute boy drive-by failure.  until yesterday.  when i stopped by the dumpster to drop the trash.  and there PG was.  again.

well, hello.
wow.  you actually initiated.
ha. then i take it back.
no.  please don’t.  how are you?
i’m good.  on my way to pick up my silly monkey.  you?
look. 
mmhhmmm…
we are obviously meant to get to know each other. 
oh, are we?
i mean, we keep running into each other.  and you kinda just keep running away
i’m not running. 
ok.  then walking briskly. 
fine.
let me see your phone.
um.  how about… no?
no.  really.  give it to me.
he proceeded to enter his name and number into my blackberry. 
please call me sometime.  b/c even if you don’t, we’re bound to run into each other again.  and next time, you’ll be required to give me your number. 

i smiled.  a real true heartfelt smile.  it was sweet.  nothing like the passive aggressive lazy men i encounter on most days.  he wasn’t being lazy.  he wasn’t being completely aggressive.  in a way, he was being just a tad passive, without being overly push-overy.  and i actually liked it. 

will i call him?  probably not.  will i give him my number if we happen to bump into each other again?  i actually might.  (though if he were as witty as he thinks he is, he would have texted himself, which would have given him my number.)

if there’s one thing i’ve wanted over the past few  years, it’s simplicity.  it’s ease.  it’s time with me being me for me.  in november, i was FINALLY able to legally let go of all the pain and hurt that i held onto for so long.  it allowed me to see that a relationship with myself is the one most valued. 

the thing is… i’ve installed a new kitchen faucet in my house, by myself, with only the tiny snafu of completely flooding my kitchen.  i’ve laid flooring over the concrete in my basement utility room, with no help from a man.  i can put air in my tires.  i can even change the lightbulb in my car.  i get up daily and manage a semi-successful run at being happy.  i’ve taken care of silly monkey myself from the moment he was birthed (minus the few hours i let them take him to the nursery b/c i was exhausted).  i’ve purchased my home, on my own, with my money, on my terms.  and   i’ve made funeral arrangements for my own mother, without the hand-holding and comfort so many others have without question.

i don’t need a man.  i can do just about anything on my own (even kill wolf spiders, b/c OMG, i had to do that once, as well.)  and i know it’s not about needing, it’s about wanting, but really… do i want a man?  do i want this man?

PG is certainly making this more difficult than it should be.  and not b/c he means to or is even aware of it, but b/c he is him and there and i’m confused and scared. 

am i really ready to let go of the me i barely know?

(see part one here)
(see part two here)
(see part three here)
(see part four here)
(see part five here)

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