Posted on July 29, 2010


** in just a few days, it will have been 3 years since i said goodbye to the most amazing and wonderful woman in the world.  around this time every year, i get a bit sad… mad… confused.  it is not my intention to offend anyone, which is surely what i’m about to do.  however, whether you agree or disagree with any of my thoughts or rants, one thing remains 100% certain – cancer is an asshole.  **
i’ve always had a bit of trouble with religion/god/”that” higher power.  not necessarily that i don’t believe, more so that i have little faith in.  if i have any, really.

i tend to shrug at people when they insist that i pray.  that prayer can solve it all.  it was cemented last year when i went through a bit of a health scare after finding an axillary lump.  a friend told me to pray for a good outcome.  and after some contemplation and a general feeling of awkwardness, i actually knelt beside my bed, clasped my hands together and started talking.  the talking turned into annoyance.  the annoyance into laughter.  i just felt plain stupid.  how could this help?  is this a mind over matter thing or will god actually spring into action and switch malignant for benign?  in this instance, all was fine and i was cancer free, but i certainly never attributed that half-assed attempt at prayer for the reason i maintained my health.  in fact, it never again crossed my mind.

i suppose i’m a bit more open minded about it all today than i was 4 years ago, right after my mom was diagnosed with GBM.  i was so angry with god that i intently forced all thoughts of that power out of my head, unless i was cursing it, which was actually quite often. 

the thing is, i am a firm believer that crap happens b/c it just does.  everything does NOT happen for a reason.  i have had several conversations with others about this very topic and they always end the same… with me in a pissy mood.

so there is a REASON why children are murdered?
yes.  and even though tragic, they bring new laws into effect.
[b/c a child has to be murdered for common sense to dictate that disgusting people should not be allowed to sit in a grade school parking lot picking off which 5 year old he wants next?  and these laws… they prevent 100% of future happenings?]

in fact, i HATE when people tell me “everything happens for a reason”. however,  it would all make sense if someone could reasonably answer a few questions for me…

why did my mom have to be ravaged by perhaps the most painful and terrible cancers in all the world?

is it b/c her sister needed her to be given a death sentence on her birthday?
is it b/c her daughters no longer needed their mother?
is it b/c her son no longer needed his biggest fan?
is it b/c her grandson wouldn’t miss a bond he spent a short year nurturing?
is it b/c her suffering was necessary to help someone else?
is it b/c her struggle to maintain care kept some idiot at her cushy desk job at the ODJFS?
is it b/c her daughter found it fun to wheel her mother to state hearings to protect her health insurance coverage?
is it b/c her family found it fun to feed her, dress her and bathe her? 

or is the real answer that there is no answer?  there is no reason?  that anyone who could or would even try put a logical spin on it deserves to be harpooned?

this is just as aggravating as when people tell me that “time heals all wounds”.

blah blah blah…

prove it!