I GET HUNGRY FOR LOVE AND THIRSTY FOR LIFE, AND MUCH TOO FULL ON THE PAIN. AND WHEN I LOOK TO THE SKY TO HELP ME, AND SOMETIMES IT LOOKS LIKE RAIN…

Posted on August 30, 2010

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dear mom:

it’s taken me quite a bit longer to get this letter out than i had anticipated.  usually, i have words free-flowing and ready for the day i am blatantly reminded that you are no longer here with me.  but august 2nd came and went.  and i was left speechless.  still heartbroken. 

it hurts to know that silly monkey knows you only from photos.  but it warms me to hear him talk about you and ask to hear stories of you.  his favorites always entail the way you held him, rocked him and loved him.  he tells me not to be sad b/c you are not sad.  you are just gone.  such logic from a 4-year old. 

i’ve hit those “rough patches” over the past few years and sailed through it all like a champ.  and in the end, i question how i can be at this place in my life, right now, at this moment, without your guidance.  how am i a mom without my mom?  how am i this strong without my strength?  how am i this funny without my biggest fan?  i’ve struggled daily to understand, but finally realized – i am me b/c of you.

three years.  three whole years have passed since i let go of your hand.  three whole years since you let go of this life. 

i recently met the mother of a friend of mine.  although she is japanese, and not korean, i couldn’t help but be reminded of your face.  i quickly left the room to avoid tears.  people ask me all the time, “is it difficult to talk about her”, to which i always reply… “no.  but it is difficult not to be emotional.”

i regularly tell silly monkey that i love him more than anything in this world.  that he makes me so, so happy.  that i am proud of his growth and accomplishments.  that my heart wears a smile b/c he wears his so well.  i can only hope that you can look down on me now and say those same exact things. 

i miss you.  i still miss you.  i will always miss you.  and i will love you forever.

your work in progress, daughter,
danyelle

** post title – “sunshine song”, jason mraz

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