Posted on September 9, 2010


also known as “THE DEAL BREAKER”…

ok.  so perhaps i’m not completely unwilling to waiver from the list of “nots”.  in fact, i’ve been very conscious of them lately. 

the no kids rules. 
the no married rule. 
the no van without windows rule. 
the no shorter than me rule. 
the no younger than me rule. 

i know they’re there even without having to put them on paper.  but i still put them on paper.  or quasi-paper anyway.

but, you must know, there is a method to my madness.  in fact, i’ve been on a handful of “dates” recently.  and while none of them has made it past anything other than a firm handshake (is that the kiss of death for a man?) or a quick hug, i’ve tried to put aside some of the rules to see how uncomfortable it would be outside of my comfort zone. 

consensus… WAYwayWAY uncomfortable. 

*** so maybe the no kids rule is silly.  i have a kid.  and i want whoever wants me to be ok with the kid.  but i think i’ve made it clear enough why i have the no kids rule.  and to me, it’s 100% legitimate. 

i tried to put this rule aside recently.  but the thought of him talking about his kids, which eventually led to conversation about his ex-wife, completely overwhelmed me.  and i was done. 

is there an exception to this rule?  no clue.  but certainly not thus far.

*** the no married rule.  sounds simple, right?  but what if the person has been separated for two years?  what if the person has filed for divorce, it’s just stuck in the logistical phase?  isn’t this totally where i was at the end of last year?  am i a total hypocrite if i say this rule sticks? 

of course.  i know this about me, which is why i tried my very best not to hold it so terribly against someone who seemed to be a great guy (not so much).  but he mentioned it far too many times and then failed to immediately tell me that he had yet to even file (followed by surprise at my surprise)… done.

divorce is like a death.  and even if everything is perfectly amicable and easy, once those final papers are filed, new emotions settle in.  more grief.  some relief.  so… this one sticks, too. 

*** the no van without windows rule.  really?!  totally NOT wavering on this one. 

*** the shorter than me rule – i know, i know… totally superficial.  but i can’t help it.  i’m a short gal (barely 5′ 3″) who likes to wear 4.5″ heels to the grocery store.  i don’t want to be a katie holmes to my tom cruise (yuck, TERRIBLE analogy!). 

plus, there’s something about a man who towers over me… i like it.  this one won’t be ignored.

*** i am 30 (yikes!).  i have lived more life than many of my friends have yet to live.  marriage.  home ownership.  childbirth.  death of parent.  divorce.  single parent-dom.  my life experiences make me feel well over age 30 (although my face says 26) (shut up) (seriously). 

i wandered from the path of this rule last summer.  met a really sweet guy who was 2-years younger.  we had fun together.  he made me laugh.  but when it came to anything else in common… nada.  he lived with a roommate.  his mom called him at midnight.  he would drive 30 minutes to see me without telling me he was coming for a visit.  he never told me “no”.  it all made me want to scratch my face off.  so i was done.  i couldn’t talk about work.  or mommy-hood.  or anything serious, really.  we just didn’t mesh well.  and it was mostly b/c he was his age… perhaps younger.

it’s a fact that most men don’t attain a mental age of 30 until they’re at least 40 (35 at best), so younger than me is just like opening a can of dead worms – gross and unneccessary.  we’d be at totally different places, on completely separate pages and our lists of priorities would have a differential of at least 8,997,412%. 

plus, superficially, i am attracted to the older man (and i won’t apologize for that). 

so yea, i know my “rules” totally limits the dating pool.  i’m am completely aware that i may miss out on a wonderful guy b/c he’s 27-years old and drives a utility van.  but, i’m more than OK with that. 

my “deal breakers” are set in stone.  b/c without them, i would settle.  and what is it that i said i would never do again????

(see part one here)
(see part two here)
(see part three here)
(see part four here)
(see part five here)
(see part six here)
(see part seven here)