NEGLECT…

Posted on December 20, 2010

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so i just got a spam message… clomid. no prescription.  super cheap.  just what this reproductively challenged, single gal wants for christmas.  let’s rub it in with sandpaper. score.
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i’ve been busy.  so much has been going on with work, life, the kid, the holidays, cooking, baking, candle stick making… ok.  scratch the last one.

it’s been a strange emotional rollercoaster the past month or so.

the 2nd was my birthday, which was weird b/c i woke up and almost forgot it was my birthday, until my sister reminded me it was my birthday when she yelled “oh yea, happy birthday”.  it was my birthday.

meh.

i did get to celebrate A LOT! first with the fam for some yummy cake and pretty cards, then with friends for an awesome greek dinner (easy street, yay!) and a night full of jersey shore rejects and being accosted with the fist pump.  and then some more fam in the form of dinners and lemon cakes (mmmm).  in fact, my birthday festivities lasted an entire week.  b/c it was my birthday, i suppose.  and old people apparently need more attention.  or food.

meh.

it’s not that i HATE birthdays.  in fact, i am the super happy birthday party planner gal… when it’s not MY birthday.  but it’s also not that i really hate MY birthday.  i love the balloons.  the cake.  the way silly monkey gets excited to light the candles.  i love those things.  the fun, non-emotional things. what i hate is everything that surrounds my birthday…

i hate the cold weather.

i hate that two weeks after my birthday, i have to celebrate my mom’s birthday without her.

i hate that three weeks after my birthday, i have to celebrate christmas without my mom.

i hate that four weeks after my birthday, i have to “ring” in a new year without my mom.

i hate that i’m single based on the single fact that i’m overly picky and critical.

i hate that people force their relationship advice on me based on the fact that i am single b/c i am overly picky and critical.

but most of all, i hate that i am getting older, which forces me into the realization that in no time at all, i will have officially lost my entire youth and innocence based on years & years of difficulty and heartache.
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it could be worse, right?  i could be some sad, bitter spinster with twenty cats and a sick obsession with soap operas.  that’s worse.  right?

the thing is, i actually like being single.  i like my own time.  my own space.  hogging the remote and watching the lifetime channel for 12 hours on a sunday (not literally, eww!). what i don’t like is why i’m single.  i don’t like that i’m single b/c i cannot realistically see that future relationships don’t have to mirror past relationships.  and by realistically, i mean… at all!  i’m blind to it.  get me comfortable and i’m itching to run away b/c it mightMIGHTmight mean that i could POSSIBLY lose myself.  and not in a good way.

i hate to sound like i’m complaining.  i’m really not.  i love the life i’m living b/c it’s finally the life that i’m living for myself.  on my time.  at my pace.  that’s an amazing accomplishment considering the rollercoaster i was on just a few short years ago.

i just hate my birthday.  (but you can still send presents. i like presents.)
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i ran into pool guy last week.  he looked pretty all bundled up in his toggle coat (my gah, the boy can dress… extremely well.)

i said hello.

he said hello.

he asked me for my phone number for what was probably the 50th time since july.

and i finally gave it to him.

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