PART NINE: WHY I KINDA SORTA NEED A MAN. BUT NOT REALLY. MAYBE…

Posted on February 3, 2011

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let’s be honest. 

i am the “what if” girl.  i ask a lot of questions and expect a lot of answers to unanswerable questions.  rhetorical does not sit well with me.  everything has an answer – whether it’s right or not is a totally different issue.  there’s really not a whole lot of wiggle room when i’m confused or over-thinking something.  it’s annoying and i am incredibly irritated with myself b/c i KNOW that sometimes my over-thinking can lead to irrational “what if” and “why” moments.  i’m not a crazy person, but i am an emotional being… that likes answers.

that’s not to say that i always have to get the answer i want.  i almost never want to hear what someone thinks i want to hear just for the sake of it being what they think i want to hear.  in fact, i’m almost always pleasantly surprised by the truth – and actually respect an individual more for not giving me what i want just so they can get what they want. 

it’s difficult for me to detach my emotions from most things.  i am an emotional being.  i cry often, though the crying isn’t at all on the part of not getting what i want, but by relating to the emotions of someone or something else.  though, i am a woman, and can certainly turn the water works on, at will, if completely necessary. 

dating over the past few years has been difficult for me.  i was stuck in such a dark place for so long that i’ve forgotten what it’s like to just let things happen.  to trust.  to allow myself to get lost in something i want for the sake of just wanting it.  but, i am not the “go with the flow” girl, as one of my close friends recently pointed out by screaming it at my face (bitch!!).  i can also unwittingly test people, though absolutely not malicious and intentional, it’s extremely unfair.  (i’ve gotten MUCH better about this, thank goodness.)

and it’s not for lack of trying to be open that i sit here, still single, after a separation/divorce that took place nearly three years ago.  i like being single.  i like my own time and doing things my own way.  i know who i am and what i want.  i think i’ve made that pretty clear. 

but if something happened, if someONE happened, i really feel that i could potentially open myself up to that person.  and perhaps allow myself to take the risk of getting hurt for the sake of feeling like a giddy teenager – b/c it could be worth it.  but it would have to be for something and someONE that i felt could potentially yield long-term-ness, b/c, like i said, i cannot detach myself from my emotions.  i am an emotional being. 

i am absolutely NOT a committment-phobe… the fact that i still have (and occassionally wear) an amazing esprit sweater that i wore in my 10th grade school photo is total testament to that.  of course, that doesn’t mean i need, or even want, to be in a serious, spendALL of MY time with him relationship.  i’m picky about who i completely bring into my life.  i mean, i’m picky enough about what goes on my feet (hello, new ankle boots!), how could i not be picky about who i share me with?  really, anything more serious than someone who would watch my purse while i try on shoes (and not go through my phone) is just about as serious as i’m sure i can handle right now.  though, the possibility of that person being someONE that i would want to spend all of my time with…

want that.  definitely want that. 

(see part one here)
(see part two here)
(see part three here)
(see part four here)
(see part five here)
(see part six here)
(see part seven here)
(see part eight here)

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