PHOTO 365 – DAY 23: TIME…

Posted on March 31, 2011

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[ok, so i’m breaking the rules.  or re-creating them.  considering i’ve been too busy over the past few days to post the photos i took for days 20-22, it’s not likely that i’ll get through all 365 days of taking photos and actually posting them on THAT day.  so this will have to suffice.  b/c this is how i’m doing it.]

i’ve been emotional lately.  not necessarily basketcase emotional, but certainly cry at the drop of hat emotional.  and i can try to explain it away and ask over & over “wtf is wrong with me?”, but the fact is… i just friggin’ miss my mom.  and the past 5 days, with another 6 days ahead, have me missing monkey (he’s with his dad for spring break).

last night my sister and i went out to one of our favorite local eateries – claddagh irish pub.  they have THE most amazing fish & chips in the area.  i had gotten a deal off of living social, which was about to expire, so we figured we’d skip our workout and eat a bunch of fried food.  (shut up.  don’t judge me!)  but as soon as we walked in the door, i felt like i was hit by a ton of bricks.  and everywhere i looked and everything i saw reminded me of my mom.   b/c it just so happens that this was our place, too.  (minus the fact that they took my emerald isle wedge salad off the menu.  boo, boo, boo.)

and then this morning, when i was putting together the rest of monkey’s “year in review” photos, this one popped up as to say “remember this?”.

DAY TWENTY THREE:  and, yes, i do remember this…

i remember it like it was yesterday.  it was april 17th.  2007.  it was monkey’s first birthday.  we had celebrated with vegetarian chicken nuggets and french fries.  and little cake with a giant “1” candle on top.  my mom had just finished snuggling with him while he drank his nightly milk.  and this photo was snapped of the two of them being silly.

he ALWAYS smiled at her.

he ALWAYS touched her face.

she ALWAYS looked at him like it was the last time she would ever look at him.

it ALWAYS made me angry.

i wish i could look at these photos and feel happiness and warmth.  but what i feel, after almost four years, is sadness and emptiness.  b/c that face will never look at me again.  that face will never look at monkey again.  and my face can never show her how much i miss her every day.

less than four months after this photos was taken, she did look at him for the last time.  she looked at all of us for the last time.  and my heart will never feel the same way again.

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