Posted on July 2, 2011


i hate shopping for greeting cards.  i inevitably run across the ONE section i so very miss choosing cards from.


i used to buy my mom a card every month or two, for no reason at all, in addition to the holiday & bday ones.  i loved picking out her cards.  without having to write a million words in a 5×7 rectangle (smudging letters b/c i hate traditional pens), i always took the time to choose one that had my exact thoughts imprinted in pink letters.  she loved them.  and she saved them all.

july holds two birthdays for two incredible women in my life.  i chose my “aunt” card and then i chose my “sister” card, only to swiftly turn around and be smacked in the face with mom.  MOM.  words i wish i could say out loud to her.  MOM.

stupidly, i started scanning through them, as if i were selecting one to sign and seal with a sticker.  i picked a few up.  i read them.  i placed them back.  and suddenly, i felt tears welling up in my eyes, as i panned to a cute card with two adorable owls on a branch.  i took a deep breath and picked it up…

100% accurate…

and the tears came back to fill my eyes.

as difficult as it is to miss her every moment of every day, i’ve come to realize that THAT is my way of holding on to her.  i’m not in denial.  i know she’s gone and no flying sprite or fairy will wave a wand or sprinkle magic dust to bring her back.  but i won’t let go to the point that i am no longer affected by not having her in my life.  no matter how small of an incidence triggers my emotions.

i give up on finding the moment i will stop missing her.

i don’t ever want to find it.