Posted on August 18, 2011


dear silly monkey –

today i held your hand while you stepped onto new soil – kindergarten.  your first day, albeit half, of real school.  and you were the picture perfect, independent, big boy. 

so here are three things i would like to apologize for:

1.  i’m sorry for my sad faces.  i’m not sad b/c you are growing up, i’m sad b/c i can’t pack you up into a little ball and cram you back into my belly – where you would be safe from everything and nothing, all at the same time.  it wasn’t long ago that i held you in the crook of my arm and rocked you to sleep.  i am aware that you like me to do that still, only now i get a giant cramp in my neck and pain in my back.  so i’ll dial back the sad face and tune up a little more perk. 

2.  i’m sorry i sorta-kinda rushed you through breakfast.  i was slightly annoyed that you needed to eat while sitting on the counter, thus knocking over a glass of milk.  but moreso, i was annoyed at myself that on such a special day, i was rushing at all.  i was worried that we’d be late and make a bad impression.  thank you for snarking, “see, we’re not late.” as we stood outside, for over a half hour, waiting for the rest of your classmates to arrive via bus? 

3.  i’m sorry that i tried to fix your hair in front of your new friends, but in my defense, it was all crazy & stuff!!  next time, i promise i won’t use my smelly lotion or spit. 

and here are three things i want you to remember, forever:

1.  never tell your teacher she “looks old”.  whilst it may be honest, it may hurt her feelings.  and while we’re on this subject, never tell your mommy she looks old, either. 

2.  i know you don’t think you need me, but you do.  i mean, you’re all, like, five and a half & you still make me help you wipe your butt, sometimes.  so next time you tell me “uh, you can just stand behind me“, don’t expect me to then happily help you re-button your shirt & reposition your name sticker.  oh & by the way, quit touchin’ the sticker. 

3.  you are a smart, smart boy.  just b/c something may seem a bit difficult, does not mean it is impossible.  just relax, take a deep breath, focus and try again.  school is cool.  and if i can do it, you can do it!

and then, of course, there’s all this mushy stuff to say…

you should know that i cried for nearly 4o minutes after i watched you take your first steps into that school, without looking back to see if i was there.  and even through deep breaths and focus, my eyes welled with tears no less than ten times more.  i am petrified to send you out into this world.  i worry you will see ugly and learn to accept it.  i worry you will see beautiful and want to ignore it.  i worry you will see new and be terrified of it.  i want you to be safe forever, wherever you may be.  i want you to be happy and loving and kind, no matter what you see. 

and most of all, i want you to know that i realize you are no longer a baby, but no matter how much time passes, you will always be my baby.  my silly monkey. 

i love you with my whole heart.  more than anything else in this entire world.  and i could be no prouder to be your mama.


p.s.  i bet grandma was super excited to look down from above and see you in kindergarten.  she was right about that star wars backpack!