I CAN’T SLEEP NOW, NO, NOT LIKE I USED TO. I CAN’T BREATHE IN AND OUT LIKE I NEED TO. IT’S BREAKING ICE, NOW, TO MAKE ANY MOVEMENT. WHAT’S YOUR VICE? YOU KNOW THAT MINE’S THE ILLUSION…

Posted on December 16, 2011

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dear mom –

happy birthday! happy 62nd birthday!! now, who wants cupcakes? how i wish i could say those very words to you, to your face, on this very day. december 16th.

it’s funny how time passes so quickly. the past four years have given me allowance to move on with life, but the time hasn’t stopped me from feeling twinges of heartache at the most inopportune times. for instance, the summer of 2007 keeps replaying in my head – like a broken movie reel that replicates a captivating scene over & over & over. it was the day you were given one final treatment option that you looked up at me with distressed, weary eyes and slowly shook your head…

i don’t think it’s going to work.
how do you know if you don’t try?
i just don’t think it will work.
but, mom, it’s avastin! the avastin that i’ve been screaming about for months. this is it!
i’ll do it.
this could be what saves your… wait, do you not want to try?
i’ll do it. for you.

and you did. and it was horrible and awful and painful and exhausting. in fact, the day of your treatment was the first time you looked at me like i was a stranger. it was the first time you asked me “who are you?” and it was just a day later that you told us all that you were done.

i hate, on your birthday, that the first memories i conjure are memories of hurt. and it makes me miss you so much more.

these past few months have been a whirlwind for me. everything is changing. everything is settled. everything is in its place. and i want to tell you. i want to call you and make you listen to my silly, silly stories of nothing and then repeat it all to you over coffee and scones b/c all the good i feel, all the happiness i hold, all of amazing that is happening… it makes me miss you so much more.

i met a boy – a nice, kind, careful, polite, gracious, courteous, respectful, chivalrous, considerate, responsible, supportive, open and awesome boy. as a matter of fact, this boy came with a glowing endorsement from people who care about me and silly monkey. in meeting this boy, i somehow, after spending years hating it, pushing it away, running away from it and building a wall that could keep the whole world out, i let it in. i really, truly let love in b/c it was easy and it was right. somewhere behind impractical hats and shimmering stars and mysterious wands, i fell in love with an amazing man and he fell in love with me. (maybe it’s the long hair!)

you once told me that true love never hurts. in some ways, you were oh so very right b/c everything i felt before – all the pain and hurt and disappointment – was nothing that could ever come close to how it feels to truly love. and be loved. i had never met a better man or felt a more giving, loving heart until B. he is, beyond all doubt, everything you always said you wanted for me. but with the newness that comes along with everything fresh, it brings about such an overpowering grief… b/c i know you would have loved him, too. (and my long hair!!)

so for all the love i experience today, the piece of my heart that misses you makes it seem just slightly less sweet, while modestly bitter. but as you taught me to be strong, fight through the pain and put a smile on my face, i’m doing just that. and hearing your words… it’s almost working.

what i suppose i am meaning to say is this…

dear mom –

you were right.

while i’ll miss you forever & ever & ever, my head doesn’t have to clash with my heart. i am finally granting myself the possibility of not just being happy, but having what i have deserved all along – true, unabashed, selfish, brazen, shameless, blatant, forthright, deliberate, purposeful, brash, intentional, premeditated, audacious, presumptuous, bold, unconcealed and palpable happiness.

happy birthday to the wisest, most loved woman in the world. from the foolish, yet most grateful daughter in the world.

i love you. i miss you. yesterday, today, tomorrow – for always.

xoxo,
danyelle

** post title = “goodbye apathy”, one republic

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