DEFIANCE…

Posted on July 29, 2012

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well, hello.  apparently, i have been a neglectful blog bitch, seeing as how i wrote my last post… oh… i am too lazy to actually go back and look.  nevertheless, really, i do have a handful of drafts i seemingly abandoned b/c… apparently… i am a neglectful blog bitch.  

so, where do i begin?  maybe, here?  i got married! 

or, here?  i am pregnant!!  

or possibly, here?  monkey is about to be a first grader!!! 

or, perhaps, here?  in just a few short days, i’ll have spent the past 5 years without my mommy.  and she’ll never appear in my wedding pictures.  or feel the kicking of this baby.  or take silly monkey on our traditional dinners of pancakes and powdered sugar.  

nah.  let’s start at the beginning.  we’ll set up, here… 

last year, i was sorta kinda forced into actually departing the sanctity of my lackluster domestic life to accompany some friends to a little public outing.  in costume (granted, i still have no idea what i was dressed as – picture:  frilly dress, heart printed tights, mary janes, curly pig tails, a top hat and a few painted on freckles).  and although i knew him prior to his suiting up as chuck norris (SO rad!!!) and pinning his very counterfeit looking badge on myself, it was on this evening that i practically instantaneously fell in love with the man i married.  it was more than a whirlwind.  cliché, i discern. 

from may 2010 through may 2011, i blathered incessantly about how i didn’t require a man.  how i wasn’t even convinced i wanted one.  in the course of what seemed to be a veryVERYvery long year, i made it abundantly comprehensible there were rules i set for myself – an almost guidebook on what i wanted, needed, would accept.  and then BAM… i met the man who became my husband.  the man who makes every day seem so much more full, more happy, more… worth it.  

and maybe i broke my own “rules” b/c they weren’t so much rules, but a ridiculous set of guards and walls.  but even if i broke those rules and let someone in, i did so b/c that someone just so happens to fit.  perfectly.  and i didn’t want to let go.  so i didn’t.  and i learned more about me than i thought i would ever be privy.  and i’m happier than i ever thought probable b/c sometimes… sometimes it’s imperative to risk what you suppose is everything to gain what you know is everything. 

and it was different.  it was uncomplicated.  it was so foreign i thought every step of the way was a step in the wrong direction.  he wanted all the things i wanted and he wanted them with me… new babies or no new babies b/c he was gaining a baby – my baby – my silly monkey.  we became a family.  a unit.  a bond of unbreakable strength.  and he didn’t care.  he didn’t look at me as i looked at myself – a failure – b/c he loved me, all of me… all of the broken parts of me. 

and then it happened.  after years of pcos, years of infertility, years of bitching & moaning b/c my body… the body created for the purpose of creating more bodies… simply couldn’t produce what a woman was made to produce, i am carrying a life i have desperately wished for more times than i could ever recall.  a healthy baby to join our brand new family.  it’s a beginning i never assumed achievable.  and though it could have gone a different direction, silly monkey is truly super excited.  he says he loves her already and even announced that he’s sure she’s going to be a good baby.  but, y’know, even if she isn’t a “good baby”, she’ll be the most loved baby in existence.  

i have to think my mom pulled a few strings to make this all happen.  and for that, baby girl gets her middle name (which also happens to be b’s mom’s middle name, too).  it’s an honor we’re happy to bestow upon two amazing ladies.  without those wonderful women, i’d probably still be writing about rules and regulations and making excuses for why they should never be changed or broken.  

i’m still me.  just a little more open, a little more flexible and a little more blissful.    

long ago, i said… 

the man i will spend my life with will know that i was hurt.  badly.  and he’ll be the man who could do just as much damage, if not more.  the difference, though, is he never will. 

B is the man who knows about my past.  he is the man who held my heart while he learned about my hurt and i learned about his.  he is the man who never let me shut him out.  and B is the man who could do so much more damage to my heart than anyone has ever inflicted before.  but i know he won’t.  b/c to him, it’s not an option.  and to me, it’s not even in question.

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