Posted on July 30, 2012


it’s hard to believe i’m nearly half-way through this pregnancy.  ok, so if you saw me, perhaps you’d be all… “really, b/c you look about 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy”, but i digress.  half-way!  it’s probably a good thing that i still have many a weeks before babyA arrives b/c i’m not sure it’s all sunk in yet. 

once that second pink line appeared, the neuroses settled in.  but it’s probably not what you’re all thinking, which is probably… 

how is silly monkey going to handle that?  NOPE.  totally didn’t worry much about that b/c silly monkey was instantly excited, so long as new baby didn’t share his room.  or steal his toys.  or take away mommy-monkey time.  all of those requests were granted.  without any hesitation.

i’m older now – will this baby be as perfect as silly monkey?  NOPE.  totally haven’t worried much about that.  i’m carefully monitored by my amazing doctor and have had more than my fair share of ultrasounds (five.  to be exact.), so i’m about as calm as any pregnant woman when it comes to the health wishes, which is not exactly totally calm, but i’m good.  ok, so early on i worried b/c i had some complications, but all is well on the front.  and the inside.  so far.

work plus a second child?  NOPE.  i’m a planner, so i have it all worked out.  in my head. 

work AND school plus a second child?  NOPE.  that’s all worked out, too.  again, in my head.

so what exactly have i worried about most?  well, it’s probably the most superficial, yet important part of pregnancy… the weight.  i know, I KNOW!!  pregnant ladies gain weight.  babyA needs mommy to gain weight so she can be strong and healthy.  I KNOW!!!  but…

i’ve spent the past two years getting healthy, myself.  healthy planning, a better diet (even if minimized as all hell) and cleaner living all contributed to the fact that i lost a significant amount of weight.  like A LOT of weight.   i saw scale numbers at ones i hadn’t seen in years and my wardrobe now consisted of items too large as size XS.  and not only did i lose the weight, i kept it off.  for the first time in a LONG time, i felt happy in my body.  it was wonderful to get dressed in the morning and not feel the need to hide anything.  it was wonderful to hear my then-boyfriend/now-husband comment, “wow!  you really do have curves in all the right places.”  the best part of it all was that i did it for me.  just me.  no one else.  but even after i achieved the happiness and comfort of my newly shrunken body, i still had what is commonly referred to as “chubby girl syndrome” – i always felt the need to lose more… be smaller.  i lived on my scale, promising myself i would “do better” tomorrow if the numbers weren’t quite “right”. 

granted, B still says the same wonderful things b/c he is the most amazing, supportive and loving man on the planet.  but somehow it sounds different now… it means something different now.  i abandoned the use of my scale a couple of months ago b/c i found myself in tears every time i gained a pound or two.  b/c what i am TRULY neurotic about is whether i will be able to get back to happy and comfortable or if i’ll stay… round.  b/c i’m TRULY terrified i’m going to stay round.

i realize what is happening to my body is not bad.  at all.  and after years past and the bitching & moaning i’ve subjected everyone to, i am fully aware everything is amazing and wonderful and i wouldn’t wish for anything other than what is happening right now.  i’m doing my best to embrace my pregnant belly and roundness.   but i’m still terrified about what happens after babyA arrives. 

or… will i even care then?

** post title = EB White