Posted on November 8, 2012


day eight:

i am thankful for the option to believe. 

silly monkey believes.  he believes i am the greatest person to walk the earth.  granted, he also believes in santa, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, the sandman and dragons (as evidenced while we took in two showings of “how to train your dragon LIVE“).  and i let him b/c i figure he won’t be going to college believing the sandman left those gooey, study-related blocks of crap in his eyes and at some point, he’ll realize the dragons in the show are more akin to robot than “alive”.  i like that he believes b/c it makes him excited and happy and… a kid! 

but for me, believing is a whole lot more difficult.  it’s something i’ve struggled with for a long time – long before my mom got sick, but cemented when she died.  but, i digress, b/c for me, “believing” isn’t exactly what you may be thinking.  in fact, here, it’s in a whole different context than traditional “beliefs”.

you see, last night, my sister called me all emotional.  she had met a woman at work who is a professional medium (haha, cue crazy person music, i know).  at first, i thought i would just humor her by listening, but after the first few words, i burst into tears.  this medium had channeled my mom.  and she told mich that she couldn’t leave until she told her some things – simply b/c my mom wouldn’t let her.  and how did we know it was my mom?  b/c her name starts with a “B”.

could this all be true?  or are we just as whacked out in the head as this lady?  mich went on…

she is “there” with grandma and a little boy.  {a curious sense came over me}…

a little boy who is from your miscarriage.  {tears streamed down my face}…

she says your baby won’t have blonde hair and you should stop worrying about the delivery b/c everything will be fine. {i struggled to take a breath}…

she says she is a grandma, to a boy, and she loves him. {aaaaaand i pretty much fell apart}.

there was more, of course.  the medium said my mom just jabbered in her ear incessantly.  and i have a hard time believing that i shouldn’t believe this is all true.  i have no doubt my mom would have jumped at any opportunity to let us know how much she misses us, how much she loves us and how much she knows we miss and love her, too.  and HOW?  how could this stranger know any of this?  i get coincidence, but not on this scale – how would she know about my miscarriage, my worry over delivery, my jokes about babyA having blonde hair?! 

and even if it is all some joke or silly “i’ve read way too much into it”, i want to believe.  i have to.  b/c if this is all i ever get, until the day i die, i WANT it. 

i need it.