i am not going to lie. i am overwhelmed. i thought i was busy before babyA, what with monkey & B & school & work, but as i stood at my kitchen sink last night, hand washing the thousand pieces of dr. brown’s bottle parts and the hundreds of pieces to my nursing equipment & prepping bottles for the next two days, all i could do was take a deep breath and sigh… hoping B would jump up from his chair, after his busy day with two kiddos, and come to my rescue.
you see, i’m normally ok. i spent ten weeks taking care of my home and my husband and my kids – playing suzie homemaker, doing crafts & working from home. and then last week, i went back to the office full time. yesterday, school & work overlapped for the first time in over two months. and then there was the housework & everything else that comes along with it. yesterday was my first day away from both kids ALL day. i saw them both in the morning and then poof… i’m home at 1030pm, one kid at his dad’s and the other fast asleep in her crib. so, as i’m standing in front of my kitchen sink hand washing the thousand pieces of dr. brown’s bottle parts and the hundreds of pieces to my nursing equipment & prepping bottles for the next two days, my heart silently pleaded for B to rescue me, after HIS busy day with two kiddos, the house & the pets, after he worked 40 hours the previous three days and undoubtedly felt more exhausted than me. so i didn’t say a word.
and then i felt an awful sense of selfishness. this overwhelming feeling of… just plain being overwhelmed and exhausted. and as i climbed into bed at a quarter past midnight, i selfishly wanted babyA to wake so i could rock with her, but prayed that she wouldn’t b/c i am just plain exhausted.
don’t get me wrong. i don’t do it all. B is the greatest partner in the world – he takes care of us and never complains. but, he is not a woman. he isn’t filled with estrogen that makes him weepy and he isn’t shedding all the extra crazy hormones pregnancy gives to you and delivery takes away. he also isn’t suffering, again, from PCOS – which came roaring back just four weeks ago. that in itself, for any of you who aren’t aware of what PCOS puts your mind and body through, is enough to make someone want to crawl in a hole and never come out. but that’s not what i want. i just want to stay afloat and feel normal – not fat and gross and tired. i just want to feel like… me. i hate to make excuses for the way i feel b/c i shouldn’t have to justify it, but at the same time, i feel like if i don’t justify it, i have no reason to feel the way i do. after all, shouldn’t do doesn’t mean don’t do.
when i finally settled last night, my mind didn’t rest. i realized i only made it through 25 days of my “30 days of thankful” – i mean, really?! and then i cried b/c i’m crazy i feel like i should be MORE thankful and less complainy. but i can’t. so i’m not. and then i wonder – if i can’t be thankful for all the wonderfulness i have today, then why did i beg and plead and wish to the universe to have all of this wonderfulness i have been granted today?
a lesson in life. being difficult makes it all the more worth it.
and i’ll be ok. eventually.
post title = pope paul VI
sweetontheoutside.wordpress.com 
Posted on March 12, 2013
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